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So You Promised To Flee America If Donald Trump Became President, Now What?

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America, slap your own ass and call yourself Sally, because it happened. We have just witnessed the most spectacular upset in the history of politics, American or otherwise. Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States.

All petty bullshit aside, every sane person should agree that now the most important thing is for Americans to come together as a people and kick ass. You thought Hillary Clinton was a crooked symbol of the elitist culture that poisoned Washington for far too long? She lost. You think Donald Trump is an ass clown that mocks the very fabric of American government and threatens the sanctity of our country? He’s the next President of the United States.

It’s time for everyone to move the fuck on.

In 2008, there were many who said they’d physically leave the country if Obama won the presidency. He did win, and if any of those losers left, nobody noticed. America still stands. A great many more people, particularly celebrities, have promised to flee America if Donald Trump becomes president, because Hollywood historically leans heavily toward the left. Well, Trump did win the presidency, and to those people from both 2008 and today, I say, “Kindly lick my grundle, fellow citizen.”

Promising to flee the country if a candidate you don’t approve of is elected is one of the weakest moves you can make not only as an American citizen, but as a living, breathing human being. Awww you didn’t get what you wanted? You poor baby. Better run to another country, declare inept the nation that gave you freedom, and spit in the face of all those who died to give you the right to vote. Get over it, you whiny ass.

We all voted. The whole country had the chance to vote. If you didn’t vote, you’re a fucking moron. If you did vote, embrace, or at the very least, accept the results. This is America, you buffoons. There is a reason people want to come here. We have freedom. We have opportunity. We have the right to vote. We have the right to vote for a former reality TV star with shit hair. We have the right to vote for a former First Lady who has been engulfed in political and personal controversy for decades. We have lots of rights. They’re all fucking awesome. Rights are tight.

That being said, why in the sweet name of tits would you flee to Canada or Mexico? Most of you notable “threaten to leavers” are celebrities. Rich folk. Millionaires. Here’s an idea: flee to a badass place that only the wealthy can afford to inhabit. Sure, there are parts of Canada and Mexico that are spectacular and expensive, but you’re still in Canada or Mexico. Go somewhere exclusive and remove yourself from the conversation forever if you really intend to disgrace yourself, your family name, and your citizenship by abandoning your country in what you clearly see as a time of great need, you cowardly turd.

Here is a list of some celebrities that threatened the leave the United States should Donald Trump be elected President of the United States:

Lena Dunham
Neve Campbell
Whoopi Goldberg
Rosie O’Donnell
Chelsea Handler
Barbara Streisand
Samuel L. Jackson
Miley Cyrus
Bryan Cranston
Larry Flynt
Jon Stewart
Al Sharpton

If I, for one, ever have the wealth and generally dog shit disposition to exit this country due to an election, I’m rolling to the Bahamas, the South of France, the Caymans or somewhere similar. You choose Canada? Have you been to Canada? It’s fucking freezing. No disrespect to the Canadian people, but if I can choose anywhere I want to live in the entire goddamn world, Canada isn’t cracking the top 20 places I have on my list. Mexico, however, I see as a reasonable choice at this point, because the value of the peso is plummeting as we speak, and, as a result, you could live like a king or queen on a killer beach.

Jokes aside, we are all Americans, and this is our country. What happens to it henceforth is entirely up to us. Whether you want to run from that responsibility, or embrace it, is entirely up to you. But if you promised to bail if Donald was elected, it’s time to put up or shut up. The rest of us will be here, in America, the country that gave us the freedom of speech, the right to vote, and the right to be pissed off after we vote, trying our best to make this thing as great as it can possibly be.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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