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Donald Trump’s Staff Is Robbing America Of The Greatest Twitter Meltdown Ever

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The New York Times reported that Donald Trump’s staff has taken control of the Republican candidate’s Twitter account to avoid any major meltdowns during the final days leading up to the election.

You selfish sons of bitches. You buffoons. You fun-sucking bastards. Do you realize what you’ve done?

This so-called “staff” is depriving America, nay, the world, of what would easily have been the greatest meltdown in the history of not just Twitter, but all social media. That’s included the long-winded and spelling error riddled rant your alcoholic racist uncle posted when Obama got elected. #MakeTwitterGreatAgain

We needed this shit, man. We needed it as a country. The Cubs killed the greatest remaining curse in sports, the NFL is trash now, Nick Saban is an unstoppable demon, Kevin Durant joined the Warriors, Game of Thrones doesn’t come back until June, and either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump is going to end up in the White House. (Things aren’t looking too good for The Donald in the polls, though, so odds are we’ll have our first Madam President tomorrow night.)

After all the shit we’ve been forced to endure during this embarrassment of an election, at the very least we should be allowed the small pleasure of watching Trump go full-blown psychopath all over Twitter on election day. I’m personally disappointed that Donald would even let this happen. Nobody is taking control of my Twitter account. They’d have to pry that shit from my cold, lifeless fingers.

Here are some things we are potentially missing out on from Trump relinquishing control of his Twitter account:

1. Trump calling Obama the N-word in an anger-fueled tweet storm.
2. Trump claiming the election was rigged and calling for his followers to start Civil War II.
3. Trump firing out a photoshopped picture of him grabbing Hillary by the vaginal area.
4. Trump announcing that his entire candidacy was an elaborate ruse and calling everyone who voted for him a loser.
5. Trump refusing to accept defeat and changing his Twitter handle to @PresidentTrump.
6. Trump tweeting a story about him and Bill Clinton Eiffel Towering a Miss America contestant back in the day.

Here’s to hoping Trump can get Russian hackers to seize his account, change the password back to “69pussygrabber69” and he can regain control before tomorrow. These are potential online fireworks that, in my opinion, we, as a country, can’t afford to miss.

[via VICE]

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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