The only thing I trust less than the cold, manipulative, lurking, little fur douches known as cats are the single guys who willingly elect the companionship of these creatures incapable of love over man’s best friend, dogs. One pet’s whole day is made with you just walking through the door while the other animal shits in a box and has sheer disdain in its eyes the three times you interact with it a week. You’re just not right if that’s the life you choose to live. Something’s off.
Javed Iqbal, serial killer of over 100 children, Cruella De Vil, attempted butcherer of 101 dalmatians, and Macklemore, murderer of millions of modern day rap fans: all cat people. Coincidence? Absolutely not.
That’s why I’m not touching Ole Miss defensive end Robert Nkemdiche with a hundred foot pole in this year’s NFL draft. Forget that homeboy has been photographed hitting a bong, fallen out of a fourth-floor hotel window, or that he beat the ever living shit out of a Kappa Alpha brother down in Oxford. No, I can overlook all of that because Bobby can get to that quarterback. But what I can’t just dismiss is the first purchase Nkemdiche will be making with his first NFL check.
ROBERT NKEMDICHE WANTS a pet panther. That’s how he plans to treat himself when he signs his rookie contract. He wants to take care of his family, and he wants to buy a panther.
He likes the black ones, likes how their eyes glow. He stares at shots of people playing with panthers, wrestling with them as if they were dogs, nudging faces, fearless when they open their mouths. “It’s sick.”
“No, it’s not. They’re like cats.”
Can’t he see the headline? Visitor Mauled by NFL Star Robert Nkemdiche’s Pet Panther.
“If someone comes over and is scared, I’ll put the panther away.”
Yeah, Bobby. They’re just big cats. An evil, calculating, unsympathetic, GIANT, predatory feline sounds like a good house pet. Forget that this asshole panther could eat you alive at a moment’s notice and factor in that he will be jumping on any ledge he can find knocking over everything in his way. If that’s not bad enough, he will undoubtedly piss and shit where he damn well pleases. You think some jungle cat is going to the laundry room to some tiny litter box setup any time he has to take care of his business? Nope. A jungle cat is going to do what a jungle cat wants to do. You’re in his domain now. Not the other way around.
Not to mention, those claws are going to do some serious damage and turn all of that cocobolo furniture you just decked out the new place with into scratching posts, too. The logistics sound like a complete nightmare. That’s not even getting into the cost of the puma cat’s diet. Rookie contracts aren’t what they used to be, my man. Save yourself the headache, buy a big dog, and be a normal dude for me one time..
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