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The internet gives everyone a voice. Terrible idea. When our founding fathers wrote the First Amendment they did so under the assumption that getting one’s opinion out to the masses would take too much effort for any, let alone every, common idiot to be able to do it. Oh how tragically wrong they turned out to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the First Amendment. It’s our best amendment. And true, my voice is on the internet as well, but I’m better at dick jokes than you, so FUCK OFF. But still, sometimes old Number 1 can be a tough pill to swallow. I firmly believe that we, as a society, need to find a more effective way to shame idiots into shutting up. It’s the only way. But short of a Jay and Silent Bob style hit squad, I’ve got no good ideas.
Today, really just like every other day, the terribleness of everyone having a voice was reaffirmed. On their Facebook page Dr. Pepper posted what any sane human being would deem a benign, if not kind of lame advertisement. It was a spoof on the evolution of man. You can go ahead and cue the holy war.
First, the ad:
“I AM OFFENDED!” Shouted the unemployed, ultra-conservative Christians who were glued to their computers when this was posted at noon today. All of these people no doubt did a spit take with the Dr. Peppers they were enjoying alongside what should have been a peaceful lunch. Here are some of the choice comments from the Facebook thread, of which there are several hundred.
The last one is my favorite. God forbid (literally) Dr. Pepper offend the soda distribution kingpin of the higher education world.
And before some of the commentariat gets offended, this isn’t a dig on Christians or Christianity. This is a dig on stupid people. The only time a soda ad should offend you is if the text on the screen reads “FUCK YOU [insert your name]” while a sex tape of your parents plays set to that particular soda brand’s jingle. Then at the end of the commercial the professional athlete you literally hate the most comes on screen and endorses the softdrink. That’s pretty much it.
I would’ve posted some of the pro-evolution arguments but they weren’t entertaining, just pissy. Threatening to pull Dr. Pepper off an undetermined number of college campuses for offending God is way funnier.
Thankfully there were also quite a few comments like this:
That’s as refreshing as an ice cold Dr. Pepper on a hot summer day.
What’s really upsetting though, is that this whole religious debate on the Dr. Pepper page completely overshadowed the most important thing anyone posted.
THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION. Apparently Dr. Pepper has the pickle effect on your nethers. Does it only happen to ladies? Or does it stink up man parts too? I’m not taking my chances and finding out the hard way. If my junk’s going to smell bad then it’ll smell bad the old fashioned way, because I forgot to pack an extra pair of underwear when I went to the gym plus I had neglected to do some manscaping for awhile.
But at the end of the day, no matter which side you’re on, one comment summed it up best.
(*sighs*) Yeah, pretty much.