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Drunk Man Murders 70,000 Chickens

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You’ve probably committed unspeakable atrocities that you can’t remember after an impressive night of debauchery, but I would bet that you’ve never single-handedly slaughtered a city population’s worth of chickens.

A Maryland chicken farmer went to check on his birds in the morning and found his entire flock dead—and a drunk passed out in a pool of urine. Joshua Shelton, 21, wandered into the farm’s power control shed and accidentally turned off power to three chickenhouses, say police. The birds, which were due to be delivered to a processing plant the next day, began to die just 15 minutes after the cooling fans went off

You sick, sick son of a bitch. If this in anyway affects my over-easy eggs at IHOP tonight, I swear to all things holy I will take a chicken and shove it so far up your ass that you’ll be cuckooing feathers out of your mouth for a week.

Shelton was reported to have been with a gathering of people at the farmhouse that night. The article specifically quotes–I’m not sure why–that the farmer’s daughter was one of the crowd.

I can only think of two possible explanations for the incentives of Shelton’s drunken alter ego. The first scenario involves the farmer’s daughter. Why else was she mentioned in the story? After one too many rounds of ‘shine, Shelton decided the farmer’s daughter needed some good ol’ fashioned piledriving in the barn, so they proceeded to the barn and began to buck and bray behind milk cows. It was a ferocious session–the hay was suspended in the musty, dusty air thick as the pubes on the farmer’s daughter. You know those farming women don’t shave. At some point amidst the romp, Shelton began screaming something about his cock slaying his prized slam, which in turn caused the daughter to echo Shelton’s Cock War cry. Because of the obscene amount of alcohol consumed, the words ‘cock’ and ‘slay’ began to take on literal and misguided terms, leading Shelton to leave the farmer’s daughter passed out with manure and semen on her chest (she would forever be nicknamed Shit Tits) while he carried out the deed of slaying 70 thousand cocks. Technically, they probably would have been hens, but when you’re that drunk things like animal gender don’t really matter.

The second explanation was that he just couldn’t take Maryland’s shit awful football uniforms anymore and had to do something drastic. Actually, that’s probably more likely.

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