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Ed Sheeran has blown up these past few years. He’s like Jason Mraz, but with more tats and less hats. Your girlfriend loves him. Your mother loves him. Your girlfriend’s mother loves him. Your mother’s girlfriend loves him. He’s a chubby, British ginger. Is he British?! I think so. Maybe he’s Irish or Australian. Hell, maybe he’s Chinese. I have no idea. But he’s definitely somethin’. I guarantee you’ve heard his songs on the radio, too.
I ain’t gonna act like he’s not a talented guy. Bash me all you want, but he’s a pretty good musician. I like wholesome, harmless music; I got a soft spot, and there’s nothing wrong with some sensitive sentimentality to soothe my sissy sensibilities. I also like alliteration.
But this man is conning us.
Don’t trust this chubby orange douchebag farther than you can throw him. He fronts like he’s a sweet man and a sensitive soul, but I know a fuckboy when I see one. This man is undoubtedly a classic fuckboy in disguise, and I know, because we can smell our own.
There are many different types of fuckboys. Bro-ish fuckboys, nerdy fuckboys, and hipster fuckboys, to name a few. Dr. Seuss even wrote one of his most beloved books about us, One Fuckboy, Two Fuckboy, Red Fuckboy, Blue Fuckboy.
According to my evaluation, Ed Sheeran is the worst kind of fuckboy there is, though: he’s the fuckboy who pretends to be sweet and sensitive just to get girls to trust him. We call it “The John Mayer System,” and it works, but is highly unethical. If you’re a fuckboy, be open about your douchiness; don’t trick people. Have some integrity, Edward!
I can sympathize with his situation, as Ed is kind of a goofy-looking dude. And I’m not hating; I’m a 5.5 on my best day, and that’s when I remember to shower and not wear my Spongebob sweater. When you’re a silly-looking guy, you gotta get creative. That’s why Ed feels like he has to do the “nice guy” routine.
He probably became famous on accident. I bet he started bringing an acoustic guitar to parties so girls would sit on his lap while he played “Wonderwall.” Classic fuckboy move. Then he did a few coffee house open mics just for shits and giggles. Next thing you know, he’s an internationally famous musician and there’s no turning back. He’s trapped in the spotlight. Sometimes being a fuckboy goes too far.
I believe Ed to be an absolute douchebucket who makes sensitive songs just to get laid. He almost certainly acts deep and depressed so ladies will think he’s a good guy they can take home to their parents. Then he hits it, quits it and runs away while writing another sappy song to attract even more vaginal traffic. Mark my words: this man is playing us.
Ed, you’re a good singer and a good guitarist. But just know that I see through you, you maniacal son of a bitch..
Image via Shutterstock