The below email is long, unedited, and tells the story of an encounter with a hammered and vomiting Selena Gomez in the middle of a fraternity’s Moms’ Weekend. Our emailer attends TCU.
I have to mention that we are not able to confirm the authenticity of the emailer’s claims, or pictures, or that it’s even Selena in the pictures, buuuuuuuut it all makes a lot of sense. Like a lot of sense.
Last night while at Reata roof top resturaunt in downtown Fort Worth my fraternity was hosting our annual moms weekend dinner. We had reserved the top floor dining area on the roof above the balcony where another special event was being hosted at the same time for a different party.
After some bomb ass filets and salmon, two of my pledge brothers and myself decided it was time for some post-dinner cigars so we lit up outside the dining area overlooking the balcony. One of my pledge brothers mentioned to me that he heard Selena Gomez was at the same resturaunt. Of corse I didn’t believe that the “queen of Instagram” would be at the same humble resturaunt as our moms weekend dinner venue. But just as that thought crossed my mind I saw her.
A plastered drunk girl was being carried by several friends into the bathroom with three or four rent-a-cops in tail. At second glance I knew undoubtedly that it her. I was in shock as I saw probably the most famous person I had ever seen get carted off into the bathroom like some drunk sororistude at formal after one too many rounds of slap the bag.
Turns out her cousin was having an engagement celebration at the same time right out side of our seating and Selena had gotten herself a couple of margaritas to celebrate. Needless to say; this chick was Fucked. Up. There was a huge gash under her chin after poor Selena took a tumble on the floor and it looked like there was no way she was going to make it to the BR without spewing guts in the bushes. My mom happened to be in the bathroom as she was walking in and she told me they were pulling her hair back as she sobbed that she was ok.
Meanwhile I was puffing on a fat stogie outside and once they came out I tried to snap a quick pic or two but I only managed to get something about as credible as the Bigfoot footage. Aftee she somehow stumbled back down stairs she stood directly under me I couldn’t help but shamelessly stare at her ta-ta’s and maybe do a few harmless cat calls to this goddess. I figured what the hell it’s worth a shot and it’s worked on less drunk girls before.
After about a minute of heckling she turned around looked me square into the windows of my soul and flipped me the bird. I caught a solid 10 seconds of finger before she mouthed “fuck you” and escaped into the crowd.
About 5 minutes later it was time to leave and my mom and one of my pledge brothers headed to the elevator. A small group was waiting outside as well when the belligerent demon cousin of Selena stepped up to my mom and started screaming like a banshee to “get on the fucking elevator and stop gawking you peasants”. Obviously I can’t get on an elevator when it’s not fucking there yet so that’s precisely what I told this fat troll faced cunt right before Selena’s bodyguard stepped in to calm this gremlin down. Then the elevator got there and we stepped on. I predicted that this would be the highlight of my night, but holy shit did I have no idea what was waiting for me one floor down.
As soon as the doors closed I felt the elevator start to decend but then it stopped on just the next floor down. I held my breath and prayed to God that by some miracle Disney’s star child would happen to get on. As fate would have it, she did.
I couldn’t believe my luck as I saw this shell of a celebrity stumble through the doors. She looked like she had hit maximum darkness. Her face was as pale as a ghost, there was a bit of chunkies caked on the corner of her mouth from the puke and blood was all over her chin from her basic white girl drunk tumble. She looked like she was on Charlie Sheen tiger blood level with a little bit of head shave Brittany in her.
I glanced at my pledge brother in disbelief as I thought of anything I could say. But before I could open my mouth my pledge brother asked “so what’s the occasion?” “We’re celebrating.” Is all her gross posse snarled back at us. “Hey Selena we went to the same middle school” my pledge brother said trying his absolute best to seal the deal. She looked up slowly at him and shouted “It doesn’t matter! None of this fucking matters!” Then the elevator stopped and the doors opened as Selena blew chunks all over her friends purse. I busted out laughing and walked outside as she was ushered away under the cover of strong Mexican women. Moral of the story: money doesn’t buy happyness and celebrities like to get even more fucked up than you and I, and if you get the chance take a goddamned picture with a drunk celeb, I wish I had.
Here are the very grainy pictures he took:
And Selena’s IG post from that night is below. I mean, it sure does look a lot like her — the hair braids, the white sweater, and oooo hit ’em with that Michael Jackson glove, Selena.
Bomb ass filets and salmon, post-dinner cigars, getting the middle finger with an accompanying “fuck you” from Selena Gomez — mannnnn, Moms’ Weekend was electric this year.
UPDATE: Video surfaces of Selena dancing like a drunk white girl.
Okay, Selena. Maybe relax a little. You’re already stealing 99% of the spotlight from the newly-engaged couple just by showing up. You’re Selena fucking Gomez. You didn’t have to dance on tables and werk werk werk your ass in everyone’s faces to make them forget they showed up to celebrate an engagement..
Image via Instagram/ @selenagomez