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It’s summer, which means perpetual hangovers, sun-kissed skin, and trying to look the most attractive possible, because everybody knows the chances for sex rise in the summer like the rising sea levels due to polar ice cap meltage (too soon?). Everyone is trying to step up their game in order to look their Sunday Funday best. No carb summers. Protein shakes around the clock. If you can’t tone it, tan it. Mich Ultras with a side vodkie. Everyone’s got their gimmick for looking fit.
And each week there’s something new bursting on to the scene trying to make a quick buck from people trying to be their best. Last week it was crushing up wasp nests to make your vagina more rejuvenated than a trip to the “spa” to visit Doctor Drew. This week? It’s boob oil, courtesy of Hermione of all people.
From the NY Post:
Gwyneth might have given us vaginal steaming, but Emma Watson knows her stuff. Remember her love of fur oil? If there’s anyone who can convince us our bush needs some beautifying, it’s our unofficial green beauty queens of Hollywood.
Downstairs beauty is big business, but now it’s time to move on up. Imelda Burke, the UK-based guru behind Watson’s holistic beauty routine, has named her top picks when it comes to getting that glow on your chest. Enter: Boobs’ Essential Oil, $50.
So what exactly is boob oil? “A cross between body oil and a health tracker, the Boobs’ Essential Oil encourages you to massage your breasts daily, which makes you familiar with them so that you can mentally track any changes,” Burke told Racked. We like it.
2017 is year of the chest glow. If I’m on the beach and I don’t see chests glowing like a Patronus Charm, I’m going to be disappointed in Emma Watson’s global impact. It’s highly probable that I end up shaving my chest and making my chest glow like a couple of flying saucers, too. Just my little way of showing women that I’m an equal opportunity chest glower, and one of the holistic beauty kind, to boot. For only fifty bingo dingos, how can I not give it shot?
Remember, it’s not just a body oil; it’s a health tracker. You’ll never be more in tune with your tits than when you’re shining them up every day like you’re fucking Mister Miyagi. Health tracker like a damn FitBit. Breast cancer has been put on high alert, all because Hermione Granger and her highly affordable boob oil.
P.S. if I’m in the lube game (read: hand lotion), I’m immediately re-branding to become a “health tracker.” Your girl can never get mad at you for cracking stick daily ever again. You’re just tracking changes like a Microsoft Word doc, looking for testicular cancer like a responsible adult..
[via NY Post]