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Equating NFL Players to Guys in Your House

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Jay Cutler – The Alpha Male

This is the boss. Social chair, tailgate liason, master of pledge hellfire and the biggest ladykiller in Greek life on your campus. He looks like a townie and has the body of a professional dart thrower, but for whatever reason, women flock to him, despite him being perhaps the biggest asshole in the Western Hemisphere. If there’s a party, he commandeers the iPod and puts on Billy Ocean whilst Stone Colding beers off of the pool table. He could probably be an astrophysicist, but instead has elected to be a hotel and restaurant management major and will likely never reach his full potential because he flat out doesn’t give a fuck. Everyone still loves this guy.

Jamaal Charles – The Guy Who Always Brings His Shitty Friends to the Party

This guy is pretty solid. Knows a ton of babes, drives a loaded Camaro, could carry the house GPA by himself and is always ready to polish off a dirty 30. Except he rolls with the worst of the fucking worst. You’re plain embarrassed for him when he shows up with his friends at a bar or party. If it weren’t for his shitty friends/the Chiefs, everyone would know this guy as the best there ever was. Alas, he’s buried underneath a pile of placenta and the world will always be asking what he really could have accomplished if he kept better company.

Clay Matthews – The Psycho

He’s a wild card. You never know what may happen with him at any moment with this guy. He’s always in his room, listening to Rob Zombie and power smoking heaters on the porch during parties. You’ve heard what happens in his room when he brings a girl home. It sounds like he’s murdering her with his boner, but when she leaves, she can barely walk and has a smile wider than a country mile. He’s the only guy in your house, nay, Greek Life with long, neanderthal hair. Other houses won’t even dare fuck with yours, as this dude would go flying into the pile with zero regard for human life and leave no rival standing.

Peyton Manning – The Awesome Fifth Year

He disappeared for an entire year, trying to get his shit together, but arose from the flames like the mighty Phoenix during his victory lap. No one saw it coming, except for a few wise seniors who saw this guy in his glory days. His house is always set for afterbars, with a full keg tapped and plenty of hot, smart grad student broads looking for one last shot at glory. He really doesn’t even have to try anymore, but he‘s committed to perfecting his diminishing craft. His skills may have declined as he reaches the end of his prime, but he’s ready to prove to everyone that he’s still got it.

Carson Palmer – The Awful Fifth Year

This guy used to be pretty awesome. Then he got two DUIs in six months and his girlfriend left him for her women’s studies TA, Tabitha. What a bitch. He’s really spiraled into nothingness. He’s a shadow of his former self. He tried to scare some pledges one night, ended up throwing up all over his pants and then crashed his car into the tree in the front lawn. He was later found in a supply closet leaving a pathetic voicemail to his ex-GF. The YouTube video of said event now has 27,000 views. He lost his internship with his dad’s law firm after he was caught sexting a client in the middle of a large divorce case. It’s probably in his best interests to just disappear.

Ray Lewis – The Guy Who Killed Someone and Got Away With It

He totally did.

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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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