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Every Chapter Has An Ahab

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ahab whale chubby chaser fraternity

Everyone has different tastes, be it liquor, Apple vs. PC, cuisine of choice, etc. But one topic that always draws debate is that of who’s hot and who’s not. Some people like ‘em tall. Some like ‘em short. Some like blondes, brunettes, redheads, whatever. But the debate always gets the most intense when it comes to body type.

The majority of us fall into the skinny/average camp. There’s also the often half-closeted “I like women who can bench me” crowd. Included in this bunch is a smattering of weird fetish dudes who you’ll be half jealous of/half afraid of after you find out their interesting penchant.

But there’s always at least one guy who will be ritually roasted by the chapter as a whole for the targets of his lust. Sometimes he hides in the shadows, and other times he makes himself all too obvious.

And that man is Captain Ahab.

Now let’s get one thing straight: I love calling this guy Ahab, but this isn’t a race thing. The “white whale” reference was just too good to pass up (and unfortunately Becky the Blimp was already taken). But Captain Ahab is like Fat Jesus: Yellow, black, and white — if they’re chubby? It’s alright.

While it is inevitable that Captain Ahab will get thoroughly shat upon at some point over his taste in women, he’s also a vital part of the fraternity’s sexual ecosystem — its “freakosystem,” if you will.

Like a fish tank, every freakosystem needs a bottom feeder; the Mike Rowe of the group who’s willing to literally or figuratively eat shit so the rest of you don’t have to. Don’t feel bad for Ahab and his bottom feeding ways, though; he doesn’t mind eating shit. Quite the opposite, in fact: he loves it.

Once you’ve identified the Ahab in your chapter, you should have one goal and one goal only: make him your wingman.


Scenario: You and Captain Ahab are at a bar, club, party, etc. and you’re eyeing up a dime.

(She’s not a dime, but you keep telling yourself that she is)

You initiate conversation when, suddenly, her W.O.A.F. (Whale Of A Friend) shows up and throws an XXL wrench into the situation.

Normally, this might spell disaster. But lucky for you, Captain Ahab, Wingman Extraordinaire, is by your side. He’s never the hero you want, but you’re desperate and he may be the hero you need.

If all goes as planned, Captain Ahab will save the day by jumping on the grenade and probably taking her home (good for him?) while you’ll get the shot you deserve at the women you were eyeing up and will tell your friends was a dime (good for you). Whether you get laid or not at this point is up to you. My money’s on “no,” but that’s no skin off Ahab’s back. He’s done his job, and done it well.

If you’d like to include this play in your personal playbook, I call it “Saving Private Eye’n,” and I highly recommend it. You both pretty much win since it gets the wingman laid, big girls need love too, and you can never have too much good karma.

Image via Shutterstock

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Peter Drinklage

That's what I do. I drink, and I know things. A real-life neanderthal who thinks he can write.

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