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Every Man Now Afraid To Ask How Net Neutrality Repeal Will Impact Their Porn Habits

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Earlier this week, the Federal Communications Commission officially voted 3-2 to repeal the tough net neutrality regulations that were put in place two years ago. The story has universally caused some controversy and concern across the board with American citizens, with many people wondering how this situation could permanently affect the internet as we know it. A lot of people are gravely concerned about how all of this stuff will affect their daily internet usage, in terms of connection speed and how much they’ll pay for it.

But most importantly every man in America is now wondering if they’ll have to go back to wacking off to their imagination.

For millennials, paying for porn is unheard of. It’s something from the Stone Age. Seeing an old Playboy magazine or an XXX-rated DVD is literally the equivalent of an archeologist finding dinosaur fossils. One time I found a porno mag in the middle of the woods and I got terrified because I thought they were totally extinct. I took a picture to document that I found a piece of history, it was a scientific miracle that it hadn’t yet decayed into nothingness.

Anyone who uses porn magazines or DVD’s may as well be traveling by horse and buggy and communicating with loved ones through letters and carrier pigeons. They’re a product of the past for gross old people. People haven’t used them since Biblical times (there’s some MESSED up Bible passages about Cane and Abel buying Maxim subscriptions). We use our computers and phones now for dirty movies. The future is here. But are we barreling backs towards the past?

These are dark days. And America is terrified.

John, 31, from Minnesota, read the news and immediately got concerned that this will affect his porn streaming. He wasn’t sure if this would have any specific effect on pornographic sites, and he’s too nervous to ask.

John, 31, from Buffalo, New York (this is a totally different guy, John is a super common name, asshole) saw the news about the FCC repeal on CNN and had a full blown anxiety attack. He hyperventilated and wondered if the government just threw a wrench into his well-established jerking schedule. He was right about to post on Facebook “so does anyone know this will affect Pornhub?” but immediately realized that was an absolutely terrible idea.

Robert, 19, from Baltimore, Maryland was confused by the news and wanted to google how it will affect porn websites. But he was afraid to google it. He was scared that this repeal means the FCC can specifically follow his search history and they’ll use any embarrassing searches against him. He’s not too bright.

Every man in the United States is shaking with fear and confusion. Is this the end of days? Is God himself punishing us? Have we flown too close to the sun for far too long? Only time will tell.

Until the repeal is finalized, we’ll all have to wait to see our fate.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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