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Are you familiar with MidAmerica Nazarene University? Me neither. It sounds like one of those for profit institutions for those winners in their late 30s that haven’t locked down that elusive GED but still want to get into the high demand field of massage therapy. I can’t confirm that as factual information but they did recently published a list of the most impactful American inventions by state and it conveniently came across my Twitter feed. So naturally, I decided the best course of action to take with this information was to rank the states by how important I believed their contribution to our country was in my own objective and super knowledgable eyes. I’m sure you’ll agree, this list is spot on.
1. New Jersey – Air condition
New Jersey? A top of an arbitrary list that wasn’t ranking places where you’d most likely be decapitated on a boardwalk carnival ride or develop type 2 diabetes from salt water taffy? People said it couldn’t be done, yet here we are thanking the lucky stars for the Garden State. Can you imagine a world without a.c.? The minute temperatures went above 65 degrees, old people would just start keeling over and dropping like flies. Our streets would be flooded with the cooked bodies of the elderly. And have you ever slept in a house with a thermostat set to over 78 degrees. Of course you haven’t because it’s physically inconceivable to get a peaceful night’s rest in a pool of your own sweat.
2. Massachusetts – World Wide Web
My livelihood, self worth, and ability to ignore my grandparents at the one lunch a year we have together could not be possible without the Internet.
3. California – iPhone
Endless knowledge at my fingertips? That’s cool and all, but did you see the dumper on the chick from across the country that we all randomly follow? Do I want to go talk to those very real girls at the bar? Nah. Maybe if I awkwardly scroll through my timeline the entire night in the corner, they’ll approach us. I know it’s never happened before, but doesn’t that mean we’re due? Simple odds, my man. Just playing the numbers.
4. Colorado – Tampons
Insinuating that any dude who slips up and shows even the slightest amount of emotions around his buddies rather than suppressing it deep, deep down needs a tampon is a classic go-to insult for all men. Oh, and I guess the actual product makes life easier on our female counterparts and keeps our sheets from looking like wine night at Hotel Rwanda.
5. North Carolina – Airplane
If the Wright brothers saw their connection to Dallas was delayed two hours, would they even bother with this whole human flight nonsense to begin with?
“I have to slip off my shoes and take my laptop out of my bag before passing through security? Forget it. Let’s just take three generations to get across the country like everyone else.” – Orville probably.
6. Idaho – Television
This has to be the best kept secret in the country. Growing up we learn about the invention of the printing press and peanut butter but never hear a single peep about the fine folks of potato nation being responsible for infinite hours of entertainment. And people wonder why our public school system is so far behind.
7. Ohio – Automobile
The only negative thing that comes to mind is the dozens and dozens of “car guys” this subsequently created.
8. Florida – Personal computer
This will be an extinct technology in a few years when our phones eventually evolve into our own artificially intelligent slaves before developing consciousness and overthrowing the entire human race. It was a good run, MacBook/people of earth.
9. New York – Credit Card
There’s nothing more American than digging ourselves into crippling debt purchasing things we don’t need or want a few days later. Maxed out? Get another card. They only send hundreds of applications in the mail every week.
10. Michigan – Assembly line
11. Illinois – Digital computer
One computer may have been the size of Chicago, but it got binary code rolling.
12. Nevada – Blue Jeans
The perfect piece of clothing for those slugs that never want to do laundry.
13. Tennessee – Supermarket
14. Connecticut – Vulcanized rubber
15. Indiana – Gas pump
16. New Mexico – Atom bomb
17. South Carolina – Military submarine
18. Utah – Traffic lights
19. Delaware – Kevlar
20. Kansas – Helicopter
21. Arkansas – Sound Cinemas
22. Iowa – Tractors
23. Mississippi – Nystatin (Anti-fungal medication)
24. Nebraska – Ski Lift
25. Louisiana – Binocular Microscope
26. Pennsylvania – Fire hydrant
27. Washington – Artificial heart
28. Minnesota – Pacemaker
29. Montana – Heart monitor
30. Virginia – Camouflage
31. Kentucky – Gas mask
32. Arizona – Taser
33. Alabama – Electric hearing aid
34. West Virginia – Steam Boat
35. Wisconsin – Space suit
36. Oregon – Computer mouse
37. Rhode Island – Diners
38. Missouri – Vacuum
39. Texas – Electric typewriter
40. Maryland – Latex medical gloves
41. Maine – Dive suit
42. Alaska – Kayak
43. Hawaii – Surf Board
44. Vermont – Paddle Wheel Steamboat
Seems useful in a landlocked state.
45. Wyoming – Shovel handle
Not the shovel. Just the handle. Way to do your part, Wyoming.
46. South Dakota – Cyclotron
No idea what this is, so it clearly can’t be that important.
47. New Hampshire – Farmer’s Almanac
A relic lost in time. Much like a phonebook, there’s a small window between the Almanac being plopped on your doorstep to it finding its way into your trash can.
48. Georgia – Cotton Gin
On one hand, the actual job of removing seeds was made easier on slaves, but — on the flip side of that coin — it increased cotton demand and labor needs. Things aren’t always so black and white…
49. North Dakota – Cream of Wheat
Thanks for the breakfast porridge, North Dakota. I was already contemplating whether or not life was worth living in Bismarck and then you slammed down a box of Cream of Wheat on the kitchen table and made my decision much easier. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be taking the toaster to the bathtub now.
50. Oklahoma – Parking meter
As if living in constant fear of being swept up by an F5 tornado at any given moment wasn’t bad enough, now you’re going to look like a huge asshole spiraling to certain death with loose change flinging out of your pockets like rings in Sonic the Hedgehog. .