What’s going on, Mooks? I went 3-2 last week so hopefully you won some cash. Now, don’t take that cash and buy Bitcoin because fuck Bitcoin. That shit is a bigger bubble than your hometown that you can’t detach yourself from because a bunch of Chads and Brads never left and work every shitty job there imaginable. Avoid Bitcoin, and invest in me. Or don’t, and rot. Either way, let’s get into some Lox spreads.
Chargers vs. Chiefs – Chiefs +1
The AFC West is locked up like XXX Tentacion, as the Chiefs and Chargers are each sitting at 7-6. I believe in Phillip Rivers like I believe that ghosts were responsible for Jeremy Kerley’s failed drug test. Utter bullshit. This game will be played on Saturday Night in Arrowhead, so down some brews and watch the majestic Andy Reid coach the Chiefs to victory.
Titans vs. 49ers – Under 45
The thought of the over hitting is this game is more outrageous than that lard who tried trading Chicken Alfredo and Sprite for sex. Fucking perv. Anyway, this game will be a battle between two young QBs who are still figuring their shit out like LIL B THE BASEDGOD.
— TFM (@totalfratmove) December 12, 2017
That’s a total frat move ! – Lil B
— Lil B THE BASEDGOD (@LILBTHEBASEDGOD) December 13, 2017
He still has to get a GED, but whatever college he goes to is automatically winning the College Football National Title. Back to the game, I’m feeling about 30 points scored in this one. Ride the under.
Bears vs. Lions – Lions -5
I love NFL action on Saturdays more than 45 year old nerds that still live in their parents’ basement love the new Star Wars movie. Hey, I’m not judging, but it’s just not my thing. Matt Stafford to cover this spread at home is a fookin’ lock. Yeah, the Bears looked good last week but they played a struggling Bengals team. Trubisky doesn’t have it this week, so ride the Lions.
Ravens vs. Browns – Browns +7
Riding the Browns is as questionable as the recent net neutrality rulings, but sometimes you have to mix it up. Fuck the Browns and anti-net neutrality, but the Ravens are playing their 2nd consecutive AFC North rode game, and the Browns are due like I’m due to watch Elf a dozen times with my family before Christmas. Send some money on the Browns to cover.
Eagles vs. Giants – Eagles -7
Carson Wentz is gone and I’m in a state of depression, but the Eagles are in good hands with Nick Foles. The entire population of Philadelphia has been trying to figure out how to donate their ACLs to Wentz, but apparently it’s physically impossible. Fuck. The Eagles defense is still elite, and even with Foles, the Birds will be running circles around the Giants. Eagles win by at least a touchdown.
Bitcoin is fucking stupid. You can’t see it, and it’s more volatile than Donald Trump. What you can see is football, and winning money gambling on football is a magical thing, so invest in that. As always, hit me up on Twitter @ConesDeal to discuss and keep up with my bets. Let’s win some money, Mooks. .