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Spring is in the air. Can you smell it? Degenerates are walking to and from the bars instead of being chauffeured around by pledges, bikinis are being dusted off in preparation for spring break, and the color green is flying off the shelves ahead of St. Paddy’s Day — the major cultural appropriation celebration no one freaks out about because no one’s cared about Ireland since their population was almost wiped out from a shortage of potatoes back in 1328 or whatever. Each of these events is not merely a sign of better weather, but also an opportunity: every new bar you visit, each girl you meet on spring break, and every “Irish” girl you see on March 17th is an opportunity for you to whip out the ever successful and always entertaining fake accent, utilization of which is both a science and an art.
There are some core requirements to a successful fake accent execution that must be addressed. First, it’s highly recommended that you only attempt to use the accent on people that have no idea who you are (however, there is something to be said for trying it out on a potential repeat to show her how versatile your tongue is). Secondly, to support your endeavor, you should have a crew of some kind to back you up on your backstory and any anecdotes you’ll tell. The ASU blonde on your spring break cruise might not buy the story about how you saved a dolphin from drowning while parasailing unless your comrade is there to tell her about how you used your own shirt to dress the Delphinidae wounds. The third and final element of science with the faked accent is mastery of both vernacular and colloquialism. Do a bit of research on key phrases that are common from your “native” land. These are what will get you noticed, so be extremely loud about them in public and frequent with them in private. But that’s getting more into the art, so let’s change gears.
I’m serious when I say this shit isn’t for amateurs. For many of you loser males out there, it can be a big change to actually have females paying attention to you. And, on top of that, you’re a somewhat interesting person now — also new to many. You have to play the role, but obviously you fools want to do it with no effort whatsoever, so here’s the art of it: you master those phrases we researched about back in Science; they are your life vest. They will keep you afloat amongst the “Say something Irish!” and the “What do you call beer in Slovakia?” queries. Drop the slang often because it’ll make the girls giddy every single time. Once the initial curiosity is satisfied, you turn the tables and ask her the annoying and mundane questions. “Is it strange driving on the right side of the road?” and “What is this Chick-fil-A everyone speaks of?” Girls love talking — trust me, I’m in a sorority full of them — so you are going to play that card like it’s your last, and get them talking for up to 100% of the conversation. By this point, you’ve gotten yourself off the hook for having to keep up the accent and can just sit back and wait for the right moment to suggest you two go somewhere quiet. American bars are just so incredibly loud; how can anyone possibly have a conversation?
New bars, new girls. St. Paddy’s, girls looking to be swept off their feet by an Irishman. Spring break, new girls who won’t care to remember your name. The opportunities are out there; it’s time you go on and get yourself cultured. Or at least get good at faking it..
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