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Family of Pike Butt Chuggers Refute the Claims That Anything Was Ever in Anyone’s Ass

The story of the University of Tennessee Pikes giving themselves Franzi-enemas has spread across the country in a media frenzy, as stories as outrageous as that one often do. Whether you’re flipping through a newspaper or have Fox News on in the background, the words “wine enema” tend to catch one’s attention and cause them to flip back a page or turn of the volume up on their TV. So in that sense, you can’t blame every legitimate media outlet for picking up the story, even if it was completely inconsequential and now apparently unsubstantiated.

At least we here at TFM News have an excuse, we’re supposed to report on fraternity news, and how legitimate a funny fraternity story actually is takes a backseat to PUBLISHING THE SHIT OUT OF IT. Essentially we have an ethical code that only a drunk Rupert Murdoch would approve of; just be thankful we don’t have his resources…yet. But in the interest of retroactive journalistic integrity, and because this still qualifies as a fraternity story, I present to you the other side of the Pike butt chugging story.

In the most recent issue of the University of Tennessee newspaper The Daily Beacon, Jim Broughton, uncle to the allegedly anally alcohol poisoned Alexander Broughton, addressed what he says are the completely false accusations that his nephew ever put anything up his ass.

Dear Editor:

My nephew is the young man that nearly died as a result of his irresponsible actions at a University of Tennessee fraternity party last weekend and that is a lot for a young man to cope with. However, it pales in comparison to the pressure that he has been subjected to because of the unprofessional manner that this situation was both investigated by the Knoxville and UT Police Departments and reported on by the local, state, national and international media. I would like an opportunity to lay out the FACTS of what transpired.

The first time I read this I was excited because I thought maybe, just maybe, the uncle was going to explain not that his nephew’s ass made it through the night unviolated by beer bongs and wine spigots, but rather how his ass came to be violated by beer bongs and wine spigots, and attempt to give a TOTALLY REASONABLE explanation as to why his nephew’s b-hole had become a chardonay maelstrom. Unfortunately this was not the case.

Alexander and many of his fraternity brothers were playing a game to see which two-man team could finish a five liter box of wine the quickest. Pretty stupid, and Alexander admits and accepts responsibility for these actions that almost cost him his life. When Alexander’s fraternity brothers realized that he was in trouble, pledges were called to the house to take him to the hospital.

Pledge-bulance to the rescue! I’m sure those kids weren’t freaking the fuck out as they transported a dying active to the hospital.

The Knoxville PD later came to the hospital and subsequently to the fraternity house. They conducted a very superficial investigation and almost immediately released a statement saying that the young men had been engaged in performing alcoholic enemas.

This is actually where I start to believe the uncle. One of my biggest problems with the initial butt chugging story, a concern I truthfully regret not voicing in the first piece, was how exactly the police or the doctors decided to examine the esteemed Mr. Broughton’s asshole. He was passed out cold, so it’s not like he could have told them what may or may not have happened. I also sincerely doubt that the pledges or any actives that were there would want to admit to what happened, if it did indeed involve all of them playing with each others asses.

So what happened that warranted anyone inspecting this kid’s ass? According to several nurses and doctors whom I spoke with, it would be standard procedure to fully check anyone dropped off unconscious at the hospital. That makes sense, but according to my sources the medical staff probably would have drawn blood and done a number of other tests that would have given them a suitable answer for what they needed to treat LONG before they got around to any sort of rectal exam. Also that exam, again according to medical types I spoke with, would not be very extensive without noticeable bruising, bleeding, seepage, etc. (Ed. Note: Seepage…HA! Funny word). So even then, I’m not so sure that what this kid did would have been that traumatic to his b-hole. So how did anyone actually come to this conclusion? I doubt he had a note pinned to his chest that said “Check asshole. xoxo – Anon.” Maybe he ripped a huge sleep fart and it made everyone suspicious?

__________

(*Broughton farts, the doctors curiously smell the air*)

Doctor: (*sniffing*) What is that?

Nurse: A merlot I think…

Doctor: Yes…yes. Sweet but with hint of, what am I smelling here?

(*random sommelier pops his head in*)

Sommelier: That’d be oak, as well as a slight aroma of cheap plastic and Sweet-n’-Low. This is a Franzia, 2012 most likely. And judging from the undertone of feces, I’d guess that this boy’s been butt chugging boxed wine. But then again that could just be from the Franzia.

(*Police officer walks in*)

Officer: Did I hear butt chugging? Whatever, sounds right. I ain’t digging in his asshole to find out. Open and shut case. I’m gonna go call the news. PEACE BITCHES.

__________

There is absolutely no truth in this allegation but local, state, national, and even international media eager to fill up a few minutes of air time or a couple of columns of ink, and with no attempt to verify the validity of the report, began to paint a very decent, hardworking young man as a sadistic pervert.

Sadistic pervert? Oh don’t be so 20th century. People are doing all kinds of crazy stuff these days. Live and let live, man.

Alexander and his dad have worked hard this week to collect the facts and figure out how such an erroneous report was released. It has been reported on numerous occasions that my brother is in denial over the situation. This could not be farther from the truth. He and Alexander both know that Alexander’s own actions were completely irresponsible and are the reason that he is mired in the situation that he is in. What they are categorically unwilling to accept is the ongoing perversion of the facts as to what actually took place. The actions of these young men were wrong and irresponsible but were in no way the sadistic, perverted acts that are being so recklessly reported. The KPD has ultimately pointed to one of Alexander’s fraternity brothers as the source of the alcoholic enema information. As it turns out, this individual is Alexander’s first cousin and was not even present at the party. He has since signed a sworn affidavit affirming that he never said the things that are being attributed to him.

A lazy police officer made something up because it was late and he didn’t feel like doing his job to the fullest extent? WELL I NEVER! In the officer’s defense, if this is true, he was probably in a pretty big hurry to go back to sitting in his car and doing nothing.

In the end what has occurred here is that we have a police department that rushed to judgment about what took place and a frenzied media, anxious to get their share of a sensationalistic story and did not wish to be bothered with verifying the facts, all with complete disregard for how their actions would portray a young man that had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Ah, yes. We like to call that “standard procedure.”

It is a shame that there is not that same amount of enthusiasm on the part of the media to bring to light the fact that the real story here is how a decent young man’s reputation can be completely assassinated by a report that was issued after conducting almost no investigation and having almost no facts to support its conclusions.

Oh, what? We’re not the real media? And don’t worry, his character hasn’t been completely assassinated. These perverted college scandals come and go all the time. Does any even remember Karen Owen’s name anymore? Oh wait, that was pretty counterproductive. Sorry.

But where is the sensationalism in that?

Jim Broughton

Jim Broughton
Uncle of victom[sic]

Nail on the head.

Honestly after reading this, and having my initial doubts that I sort of threw aside when I first read the story because GODDAMN was the original story funny, I actually believe Jim Broughton. Call me crazy, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and being nice enough to assume that the vast majority of people aren’t stupid or weird enough to pour wine into their asshole certainly qualifies as just that. Consider me on your side Alexander Broughton. You say your ass went unviolated the night you nearly enema’d drank yourself into an early grave? Sure, I’ll buy it.

Also, the image of you waking up to find out that everyone thinks you had stuff up your ass is really funny to me, so it’s not like I have to stop laughing at all of this. It reminds me of this:

Please God say that Alexander Broughton woke up, was told what people thought transpired, and whimpered the words, “In my bottom?” Please.

[h/t to @SmoothCoov]

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