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Female College Students Far Outnumber Male College Students According To Dope-Ass Study

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female college student

According to some education professionals and the U.S. Department of Education, we may have an epidemic on our hands. Currently, 56% of college students nationwide are women. Even crazier, the DoE estimates that this could rise to a 57/43 split by 2026. As a result, it appears that some institutions, like Carlow University with it’s 6:1 split, are claiming that this trend is a problem that needs to be remedied ASAP. In fact, in a The Atlantic article featuring the situation at Carlow, the author came to a startling realization: “The new minority on campus? Men.”

For starters — and I can’t speak for all of my collegiate brethren — I think this is the fucking tits. We are the minority. Let that sink in. By simply being men, it would appear that we are now lusted after by college admissions across the country. And, if the trend continues, this could lead to you or your future son gaining some serious leverage with that blowhard professor who failed you with a 64.44%.

The downside to this situation is that people are trying to fix it. For the first time in history, women are seriously outnumbering men on college campuses, and the divide is getting worse (better). So far as I’m concerned, this is natural selection at its finest. Those of us with the brains, money, and/or connections are rewarded by being accepted into institutions of higher learning where the guy/girl ratio makes finding a fling, passive-aggressive girlfriend, or some catch-and-release wifey material like shooting fish in an aquarium.

Therefore, we must band together and beseech college admissions departments across the country to cut this shit out and let us enjoy our minority status. Are many men doomed by socioeconomic factors to either choose to avoid or not even be able to gain admittance to college? Sure. But is that our problem? No. Do we want to be arbitrarily rewarded for making it to college with big dicks swinging? Yes. So, we must stand up for what has become incidentally ours and not just protect but accelerate this growing gender gap.

And why should we put in the effort to keep growing this ratio? Because I have a dream. A dream that each of us, at our given colleges and universities, can one day wake up to a scene like that at Carlow University: a 600% disparity between male and female enrollment that leads to women fighting over us in campus-wide cat fights that look like a sick cross between a Van Wilder movie, Game of Thrones, and a really graphic Michael Vick biopic.

Of course, all dreams come at a price. Just to get from a 56% female majority to a 57% one is projected to take until 2026. Plus, we have college admissions working against us. In order to succeed, we’ll need all of our marketing and advertising majors working around the clock to recruit more women to cancel out the efforts of admissions and the US DoE.

In the end, I believe it can be done. This year’s figures, while inexplicably framed in a negative light by news outlets and the DoE, are encouraging, and show that DeVos must be doing something right. I believe that growing this ratio will be a labor-intensive long con the likes of which our children’s children will thank us for starting.

[via The Atlantic]

Image via Shutterstock

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Peter Drinklage

That's what I do. I drink, and I know things. A real-life neanderthal who thinks he can write.

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