Since the fall semester is on the way out, many elections will begin to take place in fraternity houses nationwide to replace old executive boards with some, hopefully, competent people. One of the most important jobs that can possibly be assigned to an executive member is choosing the destination where you, your brothers, and 100+ sorority girls will be paving a path of booze induced destruction for your annual spring formal. You better not fuck up. There is a lot to keep in mind: renting the charter buses, booking the hotel rooms, and choosing fine drinking establishments at which you’ll blow copious amounts of money on bar tabs. All those things aside, one truth remains: shitty city equals shitty formal. So, to aid you up-and-comers, here is a list of the best places in these fine United States to spend your formal.
If this city was not the first place that came to mind when you read the word FORMAL, I have serious doubts about you and your fraternity’s ability to have a good time. New Orleans is hands down, bar none, one of the best places to party in the southeast. First of all, there is Bourbon Street. There is no one street more dedicated to making sure its patrons get so fucked up on sugarcoated grain alcohol in this entire country. To accommodate for the amount of “sugar” keeping you awake on Bourbon, the bars don’t close until well after you will hit rock bottom. Aside from all the debauchery, New Orleans offers some of the best cuisine in the South and the French Quarter is a pretty cool place to go. Be sure to stop by Café Du Monde to pick up some Beignets for your hangover breakfast.
If the Big Easy seems a little too big for your taste, another great party city is Key West, Florida. The southernmost city in the United States may take quite a while to reach, but the drive is definitely worth it. Much like New Orleans, there is a main drag of bars located on Duval Street that doesn’t close until 4:00am, and there is no open container law. That combination makes my heart warm and my liver quiver. Key West also offers plenty to do when you feel like spending some time away from the bars. The beaches are a must and have a reputation for being well maintained, and the seafood restaurants are the perfect place for a formal dinner. Plus, if you somehow make it to the end of town, you can always drop your pants and moon that commie son of a bitch Castro at the southernmost point of our country.
For those of you who like to put the word formal in formal, there is no better place to venture than Savannah, Georgia. A true southern gem, located on the Atlantic coast, Savannah is one of the most historical places not only in the South, but in the entire country. The historic district boasts Victorian architecture and 22 separate squares which offer scenery perfect for getting your date off your back about pictures. The nightlife is respectable, but the thing that really makes Savannah great is the people. If the South needed a U.N. delegate, my first choice for an ambassador would be a woman from Savannah. They are easily some of the kindest, most welcoming people, adding to the charm the town has to offer for a truly formal experience.
Did I not say I was including the best locations in the United States? Last time I checked we planted a flag on that motherfucker, so the moon is no different from D.C. in my opinion. The moon offers a clear view of everything…on the planet. It controls the tides as well, and we all know how much girls love power. The low gravity on the moon is perfect for golf, and the lack of atmosphere will perfect that tan your date has been working on all spring. The cost may be a little steep, but it’s a surefire way to solidify your social status on campus. Only top-tiers have formal on the moon. Be sure to bring your own booze though, the closest bar is really, really far away. Lighten up (pun intended).