At this point, there is no doubt that emojis are a part of life. And, after being immortalized this summer in one of the worst children’s movies of all time, it appears they are here to stay. Increasingly, emojis are taking on their own cultural meanings different from the ones originally intended for them. Eggplant? You mean dick. Fire? Girl, you look amazing.
More and more, emojis are frequently being used as substitutes for words in day-to-day conversation. As that process continues, you’re going to need to know the best ones to use. Here is my top five list of must-use emojis.
How do you want to signal to the opposite sex that you’re certifiably DTF? Do you want to use your words? No, that’s crazy person talk. Words can be misinterpreted far too easily. Instead, you should be using a symbol that is impossible to misconstrue, and that’s where the sweat droplets come in.
“Lol Dent, you’re so funny. Are you going to be at the bar tonight?”
Now, I could say that I am in fact going to be there, and after six to ten mixies I’ll probably be laying down all the moves in hopes of fornicating. But that’s the amateur way of wooing the opposite sex.
You really want to pull? Throw her a quick “girl u know” followed by no less than three sweat droplets emojis. The number is important; you should always be putting it in multiples. It’s kind of like back in middle school when there was a difference between hey and heyyy. She’s not going to get the message if it’s just one sweat droplets emoji.
Disclaimer: Results MAY vary, but even if you strike out, at least you save the embarrassment of being so overt.
The Clown Face
I’m the only one out of my friends who uses the clown face, and I think it’s because I’m the only one who knows how. Whenever someone says something outrageous, no matter the context, just throw them a clown face.
“Yeah man, last night was bananas. I drank a whole seven beers then blacked out in my dorm room.”
SEVEN BEERS? Not in your wildest dreams, amigo. I can’t tag a clown face on that silly youngin’ fast enough. Condemn him for his lies.
Your girl texts you a paragraph so long that you need to scroll? She disrespects you enough to make you read? You know what to do. Give her an equally long paragraph — full of clowns. She’ll get the memo: homegirl, you wildin’. In no way will she find it childish or, depending on her feelings towards clowns, terrifying.
Added bonus, the It reboot has totally revitalized the clown brand, so everyone will think you’re cool. No doubt about it.
The Embarrassed Monkey
You ever do something you regret? Want a get-out-of-jail-free card? The monkey with his hands over his mouth like, “Oh shit, I feel stupid,” is your savior. Consider yourself immune to ridicule with this guy.
“Dent, everyone is saying that there was a shaved donkey leaving your room this morning. Care to comment?”
I don’t need to explain; I have emojis to do that for me. The best part of the embarrassed monkey (as opposed to other emojis) is that you only need to use one to get your point across.
Only one emoji is the equivalent of me having to type out:
“Listen man, it was a Wednesday night barn-themed social. You’ve just got to take what you can get. Girls are for the weekend.”
Talk about efficiency.
The Floppy Disk
This makes the list simply because why the fuck would this be on your keyboard? What’s a floppy disk, you may ask? If you don’t know, then your high school ass shouldn’t be reading this site (talking to you, thevaginator). In a world where millennials are mercilessly chipping away at any remnants of 90s culture, let’s keep the floppy disk alive.
When is the best time to use an emoji that represents an obsolete product? It can be used as the ultimate distraction.
“Your sister made the dean’s list again this semester. It’d be nice if I could brag about BOTH of my children…”
Hit mom with a nostalgia bomb. Floppy disk away her disappointment.
Everyone will be so flustered to see something that hasn’t been around in 15 years that they will totally forget why they are upset with you. Flop till you drop, homie.
This is one of those things that if you looked for a dictionary definition, it would have more than one meaning. Personally, I believe it can mean whatever you want it to.
For instance, it can be used as an affirmative.
“Yo Dent, did you pick up the kegs yet?”
“Did someone steal our beer bong again?”
“Will you sign me in on the attendance sheet? Gotta hit the clinic to tend to a nasty rash.”
To me, it basically means yes. Rather than type out a whole three letters, I just go to the emoji page and scroll until I find it. Efficiency.
It’s also really good filler when you aren’t sure what to say.
“You’re such an asshole. We just broke up and she’s my BEST friend. Did you actually think that was okay??? Explain yourself.”
“Why is there a $2,000 charge on your father and I’s credit card for a site called Buxom Big Tit Honkerladies?”
“This is Becky’s mom, and she told me about what you did with her BEST friend… (1/7)”
Keep it 100, folks..