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There are party animals and then there are literal animals that party. One Florida possum showed that skunks aren’t the only rodent-like motherfuckers that get shit-hammered when it broke into a Florida liquor store and got 50 shades of turnt off a bottle of bourbon.
Michelle Pettis, a wildlife health technician at the refuge, said the juvenile female opossum was brought in by a Fort Walton Beach police officer Nov. 24. He said a Cash’s Liquor Store employee at the AJ’s on the Bayou location discovered the opossum next to a broken and empty bottle of alcohol the morning after Thanksgiving.
“A worker there found the opossum up on a shelf next to a cracked open bottle of liquor with nothing in it,” Pettis said. “Assuming the opossum drank it all, he brought her to us, and we looked over her and she definitely wasn’t fully acting normal.”
Pettis said the opossum appeared disoriented, was excessively salivating and appeared to be pale.
The staff quickly pumped the marsupial full of fluids and cared for her as she sobered up.
“…she definitely wasn’t fully acting normal?” That’s code for “she was white-girl wasted.” She was likely having a ladies’ night out when she got a text from that dude possum she was boning and he was all like, “We should probably start seeing other possums,” which naturally caused her to go ballistic. She immediately calls the dude possum up and starts cry-yelling into the phone, like “You don’t give a shit about me! I’m going to break into a liquor store and straight-up drink myself to death! I don’t even care!” Yep, that’s 100% what happened.
As if this chick possum didn’t already have enough on her plate, she doesn’t exactly get the most flattering depiction from the wildlife health technician.
Pettis said the drunken opossum was a first for her. She added the opossum was “fairly large” and was curious as to how she was able to break into the liquor store.
She also said the opossum did not appear to have a hangover.
Cash Moore, who owns the liquor store, said the opossum had gotten into a bottle of bourbon. Moore added that as far as he knew, she was 21 years old.
“She came in from the outside and was up in the rafters, and when she came through she knocked a bottle of liquor off the shelf,” Moore said. “When she got down on the floor she drank the whole damn bottle.”
“Fairly large?” Ouch. Not to fat-shame a possum or anything, but now we may know why her possum-with-benefits dumped her (clearly it was just a slumpbuster situation). Tough break for Ms. Possum, though. Here’s hoping she manages to get back on her feet (and learn some goddamn self-respect while she’s at it)..
Image via Wikimedia Commons