News

Flying Cows Just Saved The Nation Of Qatar From Total Collapse

flying cows qatar

From BBC:

Cattle has been flown into Qatar to boost milk supplies amid a blockade of the country led by Saudi Arabia.

The 165 Holstein dairy cows arrived from Germany – the first of about 4,000 cattle due to be imported.

Thank God for Germany and their healthy, plump cows. For a second there, I was concerned that the nation of Qatar might collapse, leading to further turmoil in the Middle East. Disaster averted. Most people aren’t aware of the strong correlation between dairy producing animals and stability in the region, but I assure you it’s real. I’ll update this article with an SPSS regression analysis proving my point later this week.

It is concerning, though, that Qatar needs 4,000 cows, and that the first shipment only contained 165 of these black and white peacekeepers. At this rate, it will take 25 shipments of the 1,800 pound milk slaves to meet the demanded figure. I really hope the small nation of Qatar and its 2.7 million inhabitants can survive without Greek yogurt just a few weeks longer. They’re coming, I promise. Dammit hold on, Qatar! Stay with us!

I imagine that when you’re the monarch of Qatar, a country with the highest GDP per capita in the entire world (this was news to me, too), you probably never think you’ll have to make an emergency call to Germany to acquire cattle. I wonder how that call even played out.

“Hi, this is Germany. How can we help you?”

“Germany, this is Qatar, and we need some fucking cows! The Saudi’s blockaded us and we haven’t sniffed a vanilla malt in weeks. We’re dying over here!”

Qatari firm Power International has bought the cattle, with chairman Moutaz al-Khayyat telling Bloomberg last month that once all the cows were flown in, they would meet about 30% of the country’s dairy needs.

Only 30 percent? Jesus Christ, how many cows does this desert country need? I had no idea that the Qatari people sat around all day serial killing cheesecakes.

The Saudi Arabian leaders probably read this news article and haven’t stopped laughing since. As far as the blockade goes, the Saudis accused Qatar of being a safe haven for terrorists last month [insert pot calling the kettle black idiom] and sent them a list of 13 absolutely impossible demands.

They basically said that if those demands weren’t met within 10 days, they would team up with the other cool kids in school — Egypt, UAE and Bahrain — and give Qatar a superwedgie in front of the entire student body.

So Qatar says no, and the Saudis blockade the ever-living shit out of them. Now the Saudis get to sit back and laugh as Qatar desperately scrambles to procure livestock. The Saudi royals are probably gathered around some golden television watching the Qatari news and laughing while they peel string cheese and feed it to their falcons.

[via BBC]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rnewtonblock

Stand-up Comic NYC,
Founder, Dead Jesters Sketch Comedy Podcast on iTunes

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