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Fondling Breasts May Prevent Cancer, Study Shows

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“Sit back, relax, and let me just rub those pesky cancer cells right out for you, my lady.”

I can almost hear all the equal parts pervy and cheesy lines tearing through your sexually-corrupted minds as I type this. And while most of you will look past the very simple detail that women, just like us, are blessed with two very capable hands and opposable thumbs of their own, it won’t stop you from letting your foot off the perv accelerator.

Laboratory experiments showed that applying physical pressure to the cells guided them back to a normal growth pattern.

Scientists do not envisage fighting breast cancer with a new range of compression bras, but they believe the research provides clues that could lead to new treatments.

“When we lift weights our muscles get bigger. The force of gravity is essential to keeping our bones strong. Here we show that physical force can play a role in the growth – and reversion – of cancer cells.”

The study involved growing malignant breast epithelial cells within a gel injected into flexible silicone chambers. This allowed the scientists to apply compression during the first stages of cell growth, effectively squashing the cells.

You shitheads probably didn’t even read that, did you? I admit my eyes glanced over some of the science jargon nonsense. In laymen’s terms, a prolonged second base session every now and then may actually prevent malignant breast cancer cells from developing.

I’ve always thought second base was way underrated anyway. Ya know, I’ve never been the sprint-around-the-bases and land on third or home plate kinda guy (I prefer the slower homerun trot approach), but I may start to take my time and respect the two-bag a little more now. Love that two-bag.

[H/T to reader Tallapoosa Snu]


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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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