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The Freshman With A Boyfriend In High School
Long distance relationships have been failing miserably since the arrival of the Internet, but there’s NO WAY that could happen to you right? After all, you started dating at 16, which is, as everyone knows, the age of pure enlightenment and wisdom. And he DID take your virginity that steamy night in the backseat of his Honda Civic. Nothing could tear you two apart…right?
Wrong. Sorry sweetheart, but from the moment you grace your chest with sorority letters, you are committing to being so incomprehensibly wasted all the time that no amount of hilariously awkward Skype sex could make this relationship sustainable. You are going to be so engulfed by the drunken bliss that every second you spend texting him emojii’s is a second wasted.
Let’s look at the facts, you are at a school of tens of thousands, and not one of those people is a self-assured little GDI high school prick that still thinks letterman jackets are acceptable everyday apparel. How about the fact that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t going to like the same things in college as you did in high school? Don’t waste your time girls, there’s a whole world of sexual collegiate experiences that you’re missing out on. Maybe even try girls for a bit. I won’t judge.
The Ravenous Cock Gobbler
It’s pretty easy to recognize this girl. She has the sexual appetite of a rhinoceros in heat (rhinoceroses are notoriously horny. You didn’t know that? Read a fucking book). She’s got the “fuck me right now” gaze that she always seems to give. The casual “don’t make me sit on your face” remark in a conversation about Comparative Politics. All of these qualities come together in a whirlwind of sexual freedom beneath the loins of The Ravenous Cock Gobbler.
She might have started off being subtle about her insatiable thirst for semen. Sneaking off in the mornings so no one can see. Always making sure no one saw her stumble into the pledge ride appropriately nicknamed “The Poundtown Express.” But by her sophomore year this girl became so fully committed to her deviancy that she made it her personal mission to stuff an entire metric kilometer of cock between her legs.
These days, this girl spends more time horizontal than a flounder. She doesn’t call them “walks of shame” anymore, she prefers “slut strut” or “walking.” God bless these kinds of girls and their extremely loose set of…morals.
The Involvement Queen
From the second day of recruitment, this girl was pegged as a future exec-board member. Ever since bid day, this girl has been holding student senate positions and attending the meetings that everyone else despises. From her humble beginnings as Assistant Co-Philanthropy Chair, all the way up to her eventual unopposed bid for the presidency, this girl takes the whole sorority thing pretty seriously.
But as they say, with great responsibility comes great sobriety, so don’t expect to see this girl in blackout sorostitute mode unless it’s her 21st birthday, in which case watch the fuck out. I’m not saying that all girls are less interesting when sober…just most of you.
Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up with a sorority president. Hell, most of the time they’re pretty attractive too. Just don’t expect too many frequent opportunities for casual slam sessions, because 98% of the time she’ll be busy drowning herself in her letters.
The Lilly Pulitzer Princess
Who knew that clothes that looked like a grandma’s bathing suit would become so popular with sorority girls today? I can’t even walk a block through campus on a sunny day without seeing an entire Easter basket’s worth of Lilly-brand flowery vomit. I get it, the clothes are bright and colorful and are fine every once in awhile. But there’s always that one girl who takes the Pulitzer fetish one step too far.
She’s got the towel, and the cover up, and the matching beach umbrella to boot. She even made her boyfriend get a Lilly-print bowtie so even in the moments when she couldn’t wear the diaper bag patterns, she could still see the hideousness gripping her man by the neck.
For her, it’s not about the clothes, it’s more about the lifestyle. Some girls prefer letting others judge them by important things, like attitude or personality. Not her. Everything about this girl screams “I don’t care if this dress looks like the Easter Bunny’s afterbirth, it cost a lot of money so notice me!” It’s not so much that she’s crying for attention, it’s more like she’s screaming for it at the top of her lungs.
Sorry, ladies. If guys are going to notice you, they’re going to look for a sexy set of legs, a curvaceous rump, or an equally impressive rack. The things you wear make up about .02% of the initial “Yes” or “No” sexual assessment. The sooner you stop dressing like a 1980’s Miami shower curtain, the sooner we can start to take you a bit more seriously.