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Frat Animals

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Party animals and Greek Life go hand in hand. There are certain animalistic qualities that set fraternity men apart from all the other inferior GDI sub-species. Fraternal organization is a dominant adaptation in human evolution. Although frat traits are expressed the most in man, there are several other creatures in the animal kingdom that display inherently frat qualities. These are the frat animals…


Bees are very social animals. They live in a giant hive, which is essentially a frat house made of wax. Bees live by a simple code. Bro’s before hoes… except for the house mom. They only get aggressive when the colony is in danger. If you threaten the bee, you threaten the hive. Once you pledge a hive, you’re in for life. They would gladly sacrifice themselves for their letters. A fraternity is very similar to a beehive. It’s a group of like-minded individuals that live in a big house and work together to get that sweet, sweet honey. Honey for frats is a little more complex than honey for bees. Frat honey is a naturally occurring concoction made of beer, sluts, and semen. Both frats and bees must always be careful. If a frat drops its guard, the IFC bear will smash the hive and devour all of the honey.

Most people who have watched the discovery channel know that bees have a complex form of dance communication. When bees find flowers, they return to the hive to tell the others by using an interpretive dance similar to Lady Gaga choreography. They use the angle of the sun to indicate the direction of the flowers and the difficulty of the flight to determine the distance. Their directions are surprisingly accurate. Lady Gaga encodes similar subliminal messages into her dance routines. Her songs contain the coordinates of Key West, FL so that all the flaming manhole merchants know where to go if they want to catch an easy six-roper on the face. You can take advantage of insect communication and troll bees very easily. All you need to do is set out a few pots of sweet smelling flowers. When one of the pledge bees finds them and returns to the hive, simply remove the flowers. The whole pledge class will soon arrive and discover that there are no flowers. The bee will look stupid in front of his friends and the hive will most likely haze him when he returns. TFM.


Bonobo monkeys are notorious for orgies. They have found the perfect method for conflict resolution. The monkeys seldom fight because they’d rather just fuck instead. When they have a problem, they fuck. When they meet somebody new, they fuck. When they find food, they fuck. Bonobos pretty much fuck all the time. They are also the only non-human animals that get freaky. Missionary, doggy style, pile drivers, blowjobs… you name it, these monkeys do it. The one downside to bonobo life is that sometimes they get a little gay. Female monkey muff diving is cool, but once the males start playing tummy sticks, it gets NF really quickly.


First of all, Orca whales are apex predators. They don’t take shit from anybody or anything… except the Japanese. Orcas are pretty much the only whales that aren’t plankton-eating pussies. The Sperm whale is the only other carnivorous whale, but his name is way too stupid to be taken seriously. Everyone laughs at the Sperm whale behind his back. They call him names like Moby Dickhead and Sperminator. No one talks shit about Orcas because they will kill the shit out of anything that will fit into their mouths. Real Orcas are too busy murdering to give a shit about Free Willy and other gay fairytales. They are feared and respected wherever they go. They are also intramural seal tossing champions. They don’t immediately kill their food. They play catch with seals and toss the bodies back and forth for a while. It’s similar to how frat guys toss sluts around before a Bukkake party that they upload to YouPorn, thus completing the circle of life.


The lion is the undisputed Frat King. He lies around all day while his pride of bitches does everything for him. They kill the antelopes and make the sandwiches. All he has to do is beat down beta bitch lions that try to steal his pussy. The lion gets laid whenever he wants. He doesn’t even need to ask. He only bangs for about ten seconds before he unloads his big cat cum shot. He doesn’t give a single fuck about satisfying his sluts. He doesn’t care and neither do they. He bangs one out, falls asleep for 10 minutes, wakes up, and bangs another one out. The lion has pretty much figured out the ideal relationship with women.


Kittens are only frat for one reason. Sluts are attracted to kittens in a box like sharks are attracted to 300 tons of pig carcasses in the ocean… Kittens are so effective they should be illegal. Walking around campus with a kitten is like fishing with dynamite in a coy pond. Use kittens wisely while you can. They are only fratworthy for a small window of time. After that, they turn into cats and suck balls for the rest of their 9 shitty lives. Cats are not frat at all. Cats should be completely disregarded… just like GDIs.


Fratdogs are a brother’s best friend. Their loyalty is undying. They will catch a Frisbee so that the hippies in the park have to go home, bark at assholes who you don’t like, and smell crotches all night long at a party. They can even be trained to fetch a beer from the fridge. The one downside to a dog is that they only love to do two things: 1) Sit in front of you all day long licking their asshole. 2) Lick your face.

Bald Eagle

It’s the national bird and symbol of the United States of America. It stands for everything Awesome. If that doesn’t make it the frattest fucking thing on the planet, I don’t know what does.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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