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The Pi Upsilon Delta house has placed senior Mitchell Rosenthal under temporary house arrest following another incident of reckless behavior. Rosenthal, commonly referred to as Mad Mitch, has been accused of various actions against the community, university, and humanity at large. The brothers of PUD decided it was time to take matters into their own hands in an effort to get Mitchell on his way to graduation.
Rosenthal’s latest escapade took place on a Wednesday afternoon and involved a kiddie pool, 15 gallons of peanut butter, a paid escort, and three 40 oz. bottles of Hurricane Malt Liquor. Campus officials are calling it a disgrace to the campus code, while a number of women are referring to the incident as “strangely provocative”.
“I don’t know why, but I kind of wanted to join in. Is that bad?” said sophomore Amanda Swede.
Rosenthal stood by his claim that the public display was “experimental art, focusing on how alcohol and money… um… affect inhibitions,” but brothers of the Standards committee thought differently. Standards Chairman Walter Clay made a statement regarding the punishment:
“Look, I’m all about having a good time. That’s part of why we’re here. Still, when our actions threaten the eyes of poor virgin students, we know that it is time to fix things. Therefore, we have decided that Brother Mitchell will be unable to leave the house, except for class and beer runs, for a month. Good behavior could lessen the punishment.”
Fellow fraternity members thought Clay’s ruling was “pretty fucking pathetic,” describing the chairman as “a real cuck” who “wouldn’t know a good time if it bent him over and porked him.”
“You can’t restrain Mad Mitch, and Wally Cleaver is a dumbass for trying. That guy is going to have his revenge, and it’ll be brutal. I remember when those pussies across the street painted ‘Present Us Dicks’ on the side of our house. Mitch siphoned gas from all of their cars and used it to burn effigies of their whole exec board. That was sophomore year. Who would want to ruin a psycho like that’s second senior year? You don’t fuck with a madman.”
Rosenthal was unavailable for comment at the time of publishing, but a source close to him says there’s nothing to be suspicious of at all. According to the spokesperson, who chooses to remain anonymous, Rosenthal has taken the news surprisingly well. “Yup, nothing to see here. They asked for good behavior, and that’s what they’re going to get. You aren’t going to publish my name, right? DON’T GO IN THERE!”.