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Fraternity Rivalries

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Where there are fraternities there are fraternity rivalries. It’s a natural thing, like flowers blooming in the spring or the uncontrollable urge to masturbate in the shower. What I mean is, fraternity rivalries are going to happen; they’re inevitable. Like any convicted child pornographer will tell you, “I should’ve moved to Singapore when I had the chance” “Hindsight is 20/20.” With that in mind it’s pretty easy for me to look back on my own fraternity’s rivalries and realize how fundamentally ridiculous they were, and how ridiculous most fraternity rivalries are.

There are times when the beef between two houses is legit. For example no one is going to shrug off property damage or a brother getting punched in the face. That said it’s still not easy to rationally justify a rivalry when that first punch was thrown in 1934 after a rival member shouted, “Word has it your mother gives tug jobs for an extra ladle full in the soup line!” Of course if you want to be rational you should also be sober, and fuck that.

The origins of fraternity rivalries are varied. Sometimes it’s simple proximity, i.e. “Those guys live close to us… FUCK THOSE GUYS!” Sometimes it’s because the two fraternities are constantly competing against each other for first place in various rec sports or in rush or for the same girls. It doesn’t really matter why the fraternities are rivals. What actually makes fraternity rivalries ridiculous are things they make the two rivals say and think. I mean, when you have a rival fraternity you hate everything they do. You hate everything about them. It takes a special kind of enmity to watch your rival fraternity’s float roll by in the Homecoming parade, a cartoony monstrosity built to entertain children, and be so filled with rage that you hope it’s struck by lightning until it explodes. I mean we’re talking multiple lightening bolts, there’s probably going to be some collateral damage even, but you don’t care. Swift and merciless justice must be dealt upon those douche bags… because.

Maybe nothing gets a house more amped up than when they’re playing their rival in intramurals. You know you hate someone when a freakin’ volleyball game becomes a death match. A sport you once made fun of your sister for playing is now the ultimate dick measuring contest. That is of course unless you lose, in which case volleyball is gay and the rival house won because they are gay dudes who are good at a gay sport. But during the game shit gets intense. No one’s looking to spike into open floor, just the stupid faces of the creeper, date rapist, douche house who had the audacity to exist. If the two houses happen to meet in a real sport then all bets are off. A basketball game with your rival house is going to see more flagrant fouls than a Ron Artest highlight reel.

But things really start to get ridiculous in fraternity rivalries when you nitpick every little thing about your rival. For example: when you walk by their house, see that they’ve hung a shittily painted banner, and think to yourself “Goddamn, their pledges suck so bad they can’t even paint a fucking banner. THIS IS FURTHER JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY ALL OF THEM SHOULD DIE IN A FIRE!” It doesn’t even matter if you see an adorable puppy running across their lawn, a new frathound for their house. The nicest thing you’re probably going to think is, “that poor dog, they probably make their pledges fuck it.” That’s right, bestiality isn’t even out of the question, because your rivals are MONSTERS. They’re completely terrible people, you know, except for that one guy you had a class with in high school, he’s pretty cool. But everyone else? Shifty date rapists!

So seeing how absurd most of these rivalries are, should they end? That’s a stupid question, since like I said rivalries are inevitable. Besides, the rivalries are funny most of the time. My only point is that when consumed with hate for your rival fraternity, maybe take a step back and realize how little it actually matters. Fantasizing about a meteor shower pummeling their house into oblivion might be momentarily entertaining, but it’s time better spent doing literally anything else. Besides, at least they aren’t GDIs.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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