We’ve all seen GDI parties before, and we all know that they are barren wastelands of awkward, pointless interaction. At pretty much any GDI party you will probably encounter the following: Lonely kids on a couch, actually watching the digital cable indie rock station that the house or apartment owner has turned on for the party. There will also be unattractive coeds in ironic and/or “funny” t-shirts, skinny jeans, or school hoodies. Two kegs, maximum, and that one guy who is the total “party animal” of the group, blackout drunk, shirt off, with a lampshade on head, drunkenly quoting Family Guy to uproarious laughter. That guy, by the way, had ten beers and might get taken to the hospital later for alcohol poisoning. Real cool buddy, get back to me when you’re throwing up your own shit because you funneled too much boxed wine into your asshole and your digestive system started moving in reverse. Those are real alcohol poisoning problems.
All of that sounds horrific, I know. I’d rather build a time machine and take my chances hanging out at one of Sharon Tate’s get togethers than attend that social dumpster fire. However, after reading about the newest GDI drinking game trend, I can safely say that I’d saddle up on the aforementioned GDI party couch next to every awkward, how-is-your-acne-still-that-bad-you’re-21-years-old, pity invite to a pitiful party, TV starer before I ever submitted myself to this, the most GDI of all drinking games.
Invented by 20-year-old college student Louis Mensinger, who runs the blog and crochet shop Louie’s Loops, Quidditch Pong is the brilliant, madcap mishmash of Quidditch — a game played on broomsticks in the Harry Potter universe — and beer pong, the “drinking game of choice” for legions of college kids and twenty-somethings around the country, as Time notes.
In an email to The Huffington Post, Mensinger said the game was a roaring success at a recent Harry Potter-themed Halloween party, where Harry Potter trivia and charades were also played.
I should start by admitting that I actually thoroughly enjoyed the Harry Potter novels. I’ve read all the books and thought they were great. Hell, even the films were pretty good. They were brilliantly cast, and Emma Watson is definitely on the short list of celebrities that I would do terrible things for in order to give them twelve seconds of incredible (for me) love making. Seriously, Emma, you need me to fill a pickup truck with baby pandas and park it in a car compactor? Done and DONE!
But there’s liking something, and then there’s this. Quidditch is the lamest part of the Harry Potter series, by far. No one likes it. J.K. Rowling herself has said that Quidditch was her least favorite part of the series. Why? Because even she realizes how fucking stupid it is, so congratulations on emulating the part of the novels that the author herself despised. Also, the rules to this drinking game are awful. So awful that I’m not even sure if anyone in attendance at this party had ever actually played real beer pong before. Who am I kidding? They probably haven’t. The rules are, as far as I can tell, as follows:
Place some hoops in the middle of the table.
Because GDIs don’t have enough trouble making cups already.
Brew your own butter beer and pour it in the cups.
Fuck you. Fuck you so hard.
Choose what team shoots first with a “sorting hat.”
Not even the sorting hat would let these people into a house. And that ladies and gentleman, is a frat/Harry Potter combo burn. That’s right, I’m fighting nerd fire with nerd fire. Also, that rule is stupid, and I hate you even more for implementing it.
If the ball, which they refer to as a quaffle (like in Quidditch) goes through a hoop and into a cup, that’s two cups.
Okay, that rule actually makes sense…
But if the ball IS shot through the hoop then the other team is allowed to swat it out of MID AIR with their hands.
So it’s basically impossible to make a cup if you shoot it through the hoop, which means the hoops are pointless, which means this game is pointless. Also, the players’ hands are referred to as bludgers, like in Quidditch, because make believe is fun. It makes sense in a way, later that night those same guys will be referring to their hands as “vaginas,” after all.
When there is one cup left, the team shooting at the lone cup must shoot with the snitch, which looks like this:
You know what they say, snitches get stitches, which in this case refers to the fact that anyone crafting ping pong ball snitches in their spare time should be stabbed.
This game is an abomination to drinking, and in the interest of irony, if you ever seen Quidditch Pong being played you should immediately break up the game by destroying all cups, hoops, balls, etc by smashing the table and its contents with a broom handle. Don’t worry about wasting the beer, the geeds were already wasting it anyway.