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Girls, Please Stop With The Long Snapchat Stories

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Snapchat is a cool app. I remember a few years ago my high school sweetheart asked me to get a Snapchat so she could send me nudes without worrying that one day they’ll end up as polaroids on eBay if we break up.

(Full disclosure, I DO believe that Snapchat was primarily invented for ten-second titty pics, and then it just blew up into something bigger. God bless America.)

Snapchat has slowly but surely taken over our daily lives. The more that we use phone cameras to document our lives, the less we’re actually living our lives. How are you supposed to socialize at a party when you’re snapchatting the whole damn thing? How are you supposed to enjoy a concert if you videotape the whole thing in ten-second increments?

And I hate to point fingers, but ladies, you definitely need to calm down with all the snapping.

Yes, plenty of guys have overly long snap stories, but usually, if someone has a snap story that exceeds 200 seconds, that person probably has ovaries.

Jennifer, I don’t need to know that you’re eating Panera again for the fourth time this week.
Becky, I don’t need to know how fire your outfit is before you go to happy hour at some local Applebee’s.
Shannon, I don’t need to know that your eyebrows are on fleek before you go to some shitty Macklemore concert with your bored boyfriend.

Selfie after selfie after selfie. You don’t need to show us a picture of yourself for every mundane activity you partake in on a random Tuesday.

You’re walking to class? Cool, no need for a selfie, though. You’re at your little cousin’s Star Wars-themed Bar Mitzvah? Mazeltov and may the force be with you. No need for a selfie, though. You’re masturbating to an old Usher music video on YouTube? Good for you. “Let It Burn” is my shit. No need for a selfie, though.

The other day when I was scrolling through snaps, and I saw a girl with an 800-second Snapchat story. Eight hundred seconds. EIGHT HUNDRED GOD DAMN HOT DIGGITY DANG SECONDS. Are you trapped in some weird Jim Carrey movie where a genie is forcing you to Snapchat every single moment of your life so you can somehow learn some random lesson about the importance of friendship? Is an eccentric billionaire with armed henchmen forcing you to Snapchat your whole week or else he’ll feed all your cousins to sharks? Are you on a game show where you have to document everything you do through ten-second videos, and if you win you get a date with Usher so you finally fuck him and stop just masturbating to his videos?

Because those are your only three excuses for having an 800-second story. That’s not even a snap story anymore; that’s a frickin’ movie. That’s like the Lord Of The Rings trilogy but with more Starbucks and Netflix. Either that or you better be doing some amazing shit. If your snap story is hundreds of seconds long, you better be sky diving with Morgan Freeman while playing electric guitar and stabbing vampires with a butter knife.

If you take 800 seconds of selfies, you’re literally a sociopath. You should be locked in a room wearing a straightjacket on an OkCupid date with yourself. And you Snapchat yourself in solitary confinement with captions like “goals af” and “when u miss bae.”

Put the phone down. Enjoy life. Live in the moment before the moment disappears. And for fuck’s sake, don’t Snapchat your dates. That dude who’s pulling out chairs and asking you questions in a desperate attempt to crawl inside you hasn’t showered in five days. He doesn’t look presentable enough to make a cameo in your little fantastically phenomenal phone film.

Also, side note:

Men, please stop snapchatting videos of yourself smoking weed. You don’t look cool. You don’t look like Snoop Dogg in a ’90s rap video. You look like a dork who’s trying too hard to look badass and can’t even roll a blunt properly. So please, take these words of humble advice and move forward. And feel free to Snapchat yourself reading this article.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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