As humans, we spend most of our lives attempting to sculpt the person we’d like others to think we are. That’s where karaoke pulls the most weight — with one expeditious song choice, you can reveal to the world your true colors.
In the past, we would judge a man based on his height, weight, body count, political affiliation, etc., but those methods are fickle and outdated. Luckily for us, in 1975 we were blessed with arguably THE most influential invention since the creation of online porn: the Karaoke Sing Along System. Roberto del Rosario, the genius who invented the machine, once said in a made up-interview that he “a world where a man can drink 13 spiked seltzers and belt ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman!’ by Shania Twain free from the scrutiny of the cold world that we live in.” Now, 42 years later, we honor his legacy by having a conversation regarding the very people he devoted his life too. Here’s what six popular karaoke songs say about those who sing them.
“Friends in Low Places” (or any Garth Brooks song)
Just like the king himself, whomever sings this fucks. If this is your go-to karaoke song, there is a high chance that you are a guaranteed top 3 pick in the blackout pool every weekend. You’re probably a self-proclaimed “country boy at heart” who was born in the upper middle-class suburbs of some Northeastern or Midwestern city. In addition to having a high alcohol tolerance and desire for cheap, dark liquor on days that end in “y,” our boozebag in the making will always put on a show.
But it’s always darkest before the dawn. With this guy, there’s always a chance that his inner Pablo Picasso emerges. In saying that, I mean that he’s sometimes prone to using the stage as his own personal pallet by ralphing up the Crunchwrap Supreme and 6 rum and cokes that he consumed earlier and deemed a “hearty country breakfast.” When Garth is on the menu, you can count on a hangover bad enough to make Charlie Sheen (circa 2011) smile for all within a fifteen-mile radius. This young, naïve troubadour combines the innate decision-making abilities of Tiger Woods with the “can’t fuck with me attitude” of Donald Trump on the golf course.
“Don’t Stop Believin'” by Journey/”Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond/”Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners
Next on stage is a man who is no stranger to the breed of morning hangover often described as “being skullfucked by the Devil’s less attractive younger brother.” With a cigarette in his ear and the remnants of his roommate’s Adderall in his nose, he takes the stage locked and loaded with a vodka soda in one hand and a fistful of your girl in the other. Our sunglasses inside, jersey-wearing frat monster is a walking billboard for the “Cigs Inside” campaign.
Without hesitation, this monster barrels his way through the crowd and hops on stage with the tenacity and confidence of one Johnny Bravo. After shredding a brief air guitar solo, he Scrooge McDuck-style swan dives off the stage into a mountain of bras and thongs and then proceeds to backstroke his way to the bar for a celebratory round of shots. The level of hustle that he displays day in and day out at the bar is the very same reason that he earned the starting spot on his high school’s lacrosse team (JV). These three songs alone are enough to turn any boring Tuesday night into the best blackout you’ll never remember.
“Drift Away” by Uncle Kracker
This right here is baby making music. There’s a reason Kracker’s “everybody’s favorite uncle.” Aside from defecating yourself on stage, there is not much you can do to screw this one up. When performed just right, this slobberknocker of a tune is known to make your girl wet faster than you can say, “I got us John Mayer tickets.”
This is a true everyman song. If you pick this, you’re a dude who knows exactly what the crowd wants; a natural people-pleaser. You may be trying to impress the group of sorority girls in the corner funneling tequila sunrises down their throats, or maybe you’re just in-between intramural seasons and nothing seems to give you that “alive” feeling deep down in your plums like orally serenading an entire bar. Either way, this song is powerful enough to end the conflict between Israel and Palestine. So get the boys to get you the beat and a drink, get up on stage, and crush it.
“Picture” by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
Some things are just better together, (shouts to America’s sweetheart, Jack Johnson), like peanut butter and chocolate, 6 and 9, and sex and naps. The stellar combinations listed above are merely the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th best combos in the world, though; this Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow mashup takes the top spot. When the raspy, Marlboro-stained babymaker that is Kid Rock’s voice blends with Sheryl Crow’s misty vocals, it causes a tear in the space-time continuum that causes the libido of every man within a 8-mile radius to skyrocket to dangerous levels.
But with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, in some instances, cases of “Goose Syndrome” have been known to occur in some males upon the selection of “Picture” as their karaoke song. The syndrome gets its name from the 1984 adrenaline-filled thrill ride Top Gun, and occurs when two men choose “Picture” as their karaoke song then argue about who will take the lead as Kid Rock. There can only be one Maverick; someone has to be Goose. Some symptoms seen in beta males include: dizziness, rash, diarrhea, severe butthurting, emasculation, and, in some serious cases, loss of friendship.
You do not pick the karaoke song; the karaoke song picks you.
Congrats on the sex..
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