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God Punishes Man for Desperately Wanting to Go to Nickelback Concert

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What’s it like to want to go to a Nickelback concert? Better yet, what’s it like to want to go to a Nickelback concert but be too poor to be able to buy a ticket? Thankfully I will never know this, both because I can spare forty dollars at any given time and because I’m not a fan of Canadian ear rape. But I imagine this is a problem that all Nickelback fans face at least once every six months. In fact it might be their greatest monetary concern other than finally fixing that damn leaky trailer roof. Forget Florida drug testing welfare applicants, what the state government should be doing is checking to make sure none of the potential moochers have been buying Nickelback tickets.

Whether or not this is true of every Nickelback fan (but really, it is) it was certainly true of 22-year-old Kevin Beaudette of Tupper Lake, New York. Mr. Beaudette was out drinking away his sorrows because he couldn’t get a ticket to what he no doubt considered the “kickass” Nickelback show at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center when he concocted a brilliant plan, as drunk people often do. “I’ll sneak in!” Mr. Beaudette thought to himself, and sneak in he tried. Unfortunately for the drunken fan of terrible music, there turned out to be a forty foot gorge in his way… and he fell down it.

Most people would consider this incident a standard drunken mishap of Nickelback’s cartoonishly white trash fan base. But I think this is more. I think it’s a sign from God that, after getting shitfaced and trying to sneak into a Nickelback concert, Kevin Beaudette needs to reevaluate his life. Not only was he trying to sneak into a Nickelback concert, but let’s not forget that he was alone. So his BEST case scenario that night is that he would have been drunk and alone at a Nickelback concert. That is truly hell. Although I guess it’s still better than being sober and alone at a Nickelback concert. That of course is a fate known solely to toddlers abandoned on their lawn blanket and left with only a bag of off brand Animal Crackers to distract them while their sweaty, overweight parents sneak off to fuck behind the beer tent, inevitably creating another baby to abandon at another Nickelback concert and thus continuing the white trash circle of life.

But what’s my evidence that this incident was a sign from God? That gorge was FORTY feet deep. Did the Israelites not wander the desert for forty years? Wasn’t Jesus in the desert for forty days? Are forty ounce malt liquor beverages not the only comfort for the meek? Forty is one of the most important recurring Biblical numbers.

REPENT KEVIN BEAUDETTE! God wants you to abandon your blasphemous Nickelback loving ways. Their music is an abomination, and you celebrate it like it’s a golden calf of gravelly voiced mediocrity. God has spared you once, Kevin Beaudette, allowing you to live after being swallowed by the forty foot gorge, but you may not be so lucky again. Take heed of God’s mercy.

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