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I’m Going To Amsterdam And I’m Probably Going To Die

amsterdam netherlands trip

Well it looks like this is it. I had a pretty good run.

I just got tickets to go to Amsterdam with a friend this upcoming spring, so things aren’t looking too good for me. It’s difficult and surreal to be diagnosed with “going to Amsterdam in a few months,” but it’s just my life now. You learn how to adjust to it, and eventually accept it. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t scary to blatantly face your own mortality like this. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Amsterdam is an interesting place. I once had a friend from Amsterdam, but then I told him that I found out about Amsterdam in 5th grade from the film Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and now I no longer have a friend from Amsterdam. To this day, my ignorant American ass has never even left the United States. You could say that it’s quite darkly ironic that the first time I finally leave the country could also be my last time, as I may never make it back here.

I’m not known for being good at taking care of myself, so if you put me in the raunchiest tourist location in Europe there’s no way in Hell I’m gonna make it out alive. Weed and hookers as far as the eye can see. They call it the “Red Light District” because the streets are stained with the blood of dumbass Americans like me. Sad.

I guess I should have thought this through a little more. When my friend asked me to go to Amsterdam with her, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I agreed to go immediately, without considering my own safety. But it’s too late for me now. Plane tickets have been purchased, and promises have been made. There’s no turning back at this point.

My family was heartbroken, but I told them that I’ll always be with them in spirit and that they should always remember the good times. “Don’t use my Amsterdam vacation as a reason to dwell on my death; use it as an excuse to celebrate my life.” I’m writing my will as we speak. I own nothing and I have no children, but writing a will makes me feel cool and powerful so I’m doing it anyway.

How will I die there? That’s the only question left. I’m not sure. It could be any number of things. Potheads are constantly saying pot should be legalized because no one has ever died from it. Well, that might change soon. I could very well be the first person to overdose on marijuana. Either that, or I may be patient zero for dozens of brand new STIs, all of them fatal.

#PrayForWally

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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