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Goldman Sachs Elevator: Best of March

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An anonymous career banker inside Goldman Sachs opened a twitter account (@GSElevator) with the intention of revealing the hilarious banter that takes place in the privacy of the GS elevators. Since then, the account has evolved to include things overheard on trading floors, bullpens, lobbies and bars. Some of the conversations involve more than one person, and the participants are distinguishable by their number (#1, #2, #3). Here are some of my favorites from March…

#1: Call me an optimist, but I manscape every Thursday.

#1: The lottery is just a way of taxing poor people who don’t know math.

#1: I have a date with destiny, and I’m bringing ruffies.

Suit#1 (on cell phone): Yes… Yes… I know… Yes… Ok, you too… Bye. [Hangs up]. Jesus Christ, I hope my next wife doesn’t do this.

#1: If life’s a game, money is how you keep score.

#1: Solar power has been the next big thing for forty years.

#1: I’m pretty sure I’ve been scammed before. I’m just too rich to notice.

#1: Poor people are like endangered manatees, too ugly for me to care about.

#1: Magazines dedicate entire issues to ‘Women in Business.’ #2: How much can you write about secretaries? #2 (to Skirt#1): Kidding.

#1: It turns out God’s plan for Tim Tebow is selling used cars.

#1: The next President will have to eat on paper plates once Michelle Obama gets done looting.

#1: I never recycle. But that’s just because I don’t give a shit.

#1: I haven’t split a restaurant bill since prep school.

#1: I love it when someone starts a sentence with ‘When I was at Goldman Sachs’… Well, you aren’t at Goldman Sachs now, cocksucker.

#1: You know TV reporters are full of shit when they transition from NBA to WNBA highlights without losing enthusiasm.

#1: I’m so hungover, I’m not even horny.

#1: I’ve never lost at anything. Except for drinking games, but that was on purpose.

#1: Flying squirrels must get all the squirrel pussy. Think about that, hotshot.

#1: If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.

#1: Each comma in your bank account adds an inch to your dick.

For more entertaining banter follow @GSElevator on twitter.

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