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Gordon Bombay: A Tribute

 

Gordon Bombay is arguably one of the greatest characters to ever grace the silver screen. Credit to Emilio Estevez for perfectly capturing the essence of a substance abusing, hot shot lawyer caught in the crossroads of an identity crisis.

Gordon Bombay grew up on the ice. He was a top peewee hockey prospect in Minnesota, the hub of American hockey talent. He grew up in the plush suburbs of Minneapolis/St. Paul. His dad died when he was young. After his father’s death Gordo lost his love of the game forever. Bombay flashed through college (likely in the form of a drunken tornado, slaying every fine piece of northern ass he could get his hands on in the process) and got a sweet lawyer job in Minnesota’s finest law firm, Ducksworth, Savor & Gross. Bombay won 30 consecutive cases out of law school, unless you count the one where he scored with the court reporter, then it’s 30-1. Bombay is frat.

But then it all changed in a flash. Bombay got DUI while cruising in his Corvette (license plate: JUSTWIN). Bombay was then sentenced to 600 hours of community service and given a paid suspension (AKA free vacation, nice move) from his law firm. From there the rest is history. But maybe you’re still not sold on Coach Bombay yet. Here a few more Gordon Bombay qualities that help solidify his legend and place him on the Frat Mount Olympus.

Philanthropy

Any good fraternity man knows that giving back is an important part of the fraternity process. So what did Bombay do? He got his law firm to donate $15,000 to his team by bribing his boss with a hockey jersey. Not to mention he got the Ducks into the most legit prep school north of the Mason-Dixon line, Eden Hall Academy, his prestigious alma mater.

Fringe Benefits

Bombay slammed Charlie Conway’s mom. You know he did. Let’s move on.

Blatant Disregard for Authority

When he’s pulled over for DUI and reckless endangerment, the arresting officer asks Bombay if he wants his breath, blood or urine sampled, to which Bombay replies “No thanks, I’m full.” Classic.

He Hazed

Bombay tried to whip District Five into shape the best way he knew how. He tried to get them to cheat their way to win. If you haven’t ordered a pledge to “TAKE THE FALL. ACT HURT. GET INDIGNANT”, then you truly haven’t lived, my freinds. He tied up that fat, falafel eating Goldberg to the goal during practice and force fed him slap shots until he liked it. After Team USA lost 11-0 to Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games Bombay skated those kids until they were exhausted, giving him the nickname “Captain Blood”. Haze god.

Footwear

The Air Bombay Loafer: For kids who want to coach. Loafers. FaF.

America

Bombay coached America to gold in the Junior Goodwill Games back in the 90’s, landing a sweet endorsement deal from Hendrix Hockey. It’s true that at one point Bombay let himself be blinded by fame and fortune and forgot his duty to America, but Gordo righted his ways. He slammed Miss McKay, and defeated Wolf “The Dentist” Stanson and Gunnar Stahl en route to one of the greatest fictional American sports victories of all-time.

Side Note: Wolf Stanson reminds me an awful lot of Dick Perry. No doubt The Dentist has a gratuitous history of strippers and blow on his dossier. The guy punched out his NHL coach for Christ‘s sake. Frat on, Wolf, frat on.

So raise your glass to Gordon Bombay. He’s a legend in my eyes and he should be in yours too.

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TheChampionsTour

The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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