Here’s a hypothetical scenario for you. You just got caught slippin’. You strayed from your girl and got something on the side, you sly son of a bitchbiscuit. But then, after you think you’re safe, your girl catches you in the act. You’re balls deep in some chick you were trying to drill secretly, like some perverted oil company low key setting up shop on an Alaskan reindeer reserve, but you’re caught red-handed by your significant other and she looks ready to chop your dick and balls off with the jagged end of a broken 40 and throw them into a penguin exhibit.
So what do you do? How do you assess the situation, diffuse the tension, and reduce the conflict so that you don’t end up dickless and dead in a ditch?
Here’s some tips on what to do if you get caught cheating.
This one is simple, and possibly the most common approach, which makes it admirable but also a little cliché and hacky. It’s good if you want to stick to the classics. Apologize for what you’ve done, beg for forgiveness and tell her you love her and hope she doesn’t shoot you in your Adam’s apple with a crossbow.
Pretend You Thought It Was Her
It’s downright brilliant. Tell her you thought this chick was her. It’s dark, they both look vaguely the same. Sure, this side chick has an extra 15 pounds on her (because of course she does), but other than that they’re pretty identical. Use this excuse if you want to be safe.
Pretend You Were Sleepwalking
Sleepwalking is a common medical condition. 1 in 3 people sleepwalk at least once a week, according to a statistic that I just made up and that you should absolutely use. Act like you were sleepwalking, and accidentally sleepfucking. Pretend you just woke up, act really startled and confused. Maybe scream. Try to jump out the window. They say you should never wake up a sleepwalker. Act like that’s true too.
Pretend You Were Hypnotized
Pretty similar to the sleepwalking one. Some evil magical dickhead is trying to sabotage your relationship and he has hypnotized you go into infidelity mode whenever he says the phrase “OJ Simpson For President” 3 times in a row.
Blame the Russians
Works every time.
Kill Everyone In The Room Including Yourself
This one is bold, but it has a 100% success rate. You know that grenade you always keep up your ass in case of an emergency? Remove it from your rectum and pull the pin out and let all 3 of you explode so you can avoid any awkward conversations. Both having a grenade up your ass and then killing yourself and two innocent people with it might actually be worth skipping that conversation. You, your girl, and your sidepiece won’t ever have to see each other ever again. Except in hell. Highly recommended.
Say You’re Daniel Day-Lewis And You’re Doing This To Research Your Next Role
Daniel is one the most talented and prestigious actors of this generation. For his Oscar winning role in Hillary Clinton’s favorite movie, Lincoln, he was in character for like 6 months before even shooting the film. He’s a method actor. Tell your chick that you’ve secretly been Daniel Day-Lewis this whole time, doing extensive research for a new movie where you play a dude that cheats on his girlfriend. She’ll be impressed. And probably DTF, because famous actor.
Shrug, Smile, and Pop a Mentos