Guy Only Has 100 Orgasms Left Before His Penis Straight Up Dies

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Imagine going to the doctor and finding out you had a limited amount of rounds left in the chamber. Suddenly spraying your seed gets you one step closer to having a completely impotent shvantz. How do you deal with this news that your bologna pony only has so many rides left in him? Your life, as a man, has to drastically change, right?

Sadly, this is not a hypothetical question but the harsh reality for some poor 34-year-old bastard who has an estimated 100 eruptions left before his volcano goes dormant. Our friends over at BroBible received this horror story via email yesterday:

I’m 34 years old and I have a finite amount of real, working, orgasm-capable erections remaining. They estimate I have about a hundred nuts left.

You cannot imagine the feeling. I go in for what I think is a routine physical, and I’m blindsided. My whole life changes in an instant; like hearing you have six months to live. I honestly thought the doctor was fucking with me– how do you even process that kind of information?

But I’ve now seen the full battery of experts and specialists. They call it ideopathic fibrosis of the corpora cavernosa. Catchy, right? Basically, there’s a reservoir in your penis that fills with blood when you have an erection. In my case, every time I get hard, it causes an autoimmune reaction, which causes a scar tissue build-up in the reservoir. Ultimately, the scar tissue will make it impossible to ever get a boner again. I’m the first case anyone’s ever seen, and no one can tell me why it’s happening. I don’t wear briefs or hang out in saunas. There’s been no blunt force trauma to the balls. Some of the women from my past have suggested it’s karma, and I’m actually starting to believe it.

I’ve tried every conceivable therapy and medication there is, but nothing works. So I’ve been through the five stages of grief. I accept my fate. But that’s not the same as knowing how to cope with it. Masturbation’s obviously out of the question. I feel like I need to be super selective with women, as if all of a sudden I’m gonna start banging Victoria’s Secret models. Like I deserve it now, in some sort of twisted Make a Wish for a Dying Penis bid. And lately, I’m terrified of sex itself. I slept with one woman since the diagnosis, but when she wanted to go for a second round, a wave of incredible panic swept over me. I burst into a cold sweat and my chest felt like it was gonna cave in on itself. Since then I’ve been chaste as a fucking nun, but I toss and turn all night with crazy, disturbing sex dreams, and now I’m worried that I’ll lose a nut to a wet dream.

So I’m hoping to start a dialogue here. Has anyone out there experienced anything like this? How does one go about planning a farewell tour- a goodbye forever- to sex? Any advice/suggestions are truly appreciated.

TL;DR: Every time he gets a hard-on, scar tissue builds up and will ultimately make his dick as useful as Grey Worm’s or 75 percent of the other characters from “Game of Thrones” who are castrated. Seriously, has anyone else found George R.R. Martin’s obsession with cutting off dongs left and right just the least bit odd? I digress.

Essentially, the dude’s dick is on death row, just counting down the days until execution. Just a miserable existence. The mental anguish alone would be insufferable, and ironically clearing the pipes — normally beneficial for one’s psychological state — is detrimental to his cause. As this unfortunate sap addresses, masturbation is a complete no-go.

So now it comes down to who’s worthy of his last remaining deposits. It’s a ridiculously impossible task to ask of any guy. No doubt he’ll be second-guessing himself all along on whether or not a girl was worth his soldier standing at attention. Also if a girl is bringing the thunder in the sack, how many more sessions do you have with her rather than the unknown abilities of another woman?

Not to mention, the guy more than likely wants to remember all these experiences, so blackout sex is out and sober sex is in. Sober sex with strange women, mind you. Absolutely tragic.

I wouldn’t wish this on my greatest enemy.

[via BroBible]

Image via Shutterstock

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Video Guy for Grandex Media. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to

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