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Guy Tells Court His Dad Couldn’t Have Committed Suicide Over Erectile Dysfunction Because His Dad Definitely Fucked

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There are few things I enjoy more in this world than insane rich people. I mean the really crazy fuckers. The ones who would absolutely not be considered competent human beings who can be reasonably left to their own devices were it not for their obscene wealth. Go read Kanye West’s Twitter feed and try to tell me it doesn’t sound like something a drunk hobo riding the bus is shouting to no one in particular while everyone desperately tries not to pay attention. Except the like seven people who are low key Snapchatting it.

I wish I was an insane rich person, spending my bi-quarterly vacations in the jungles of Burma, hunting monkeys with a flamethrower, or buying old graveyards, leaving the bodies in the ground, and then building houses on top of the graves, just to see if poltergeists really exist. The list stretches on into infinity, which is the age I would live to after I uploaded my brain into a computer that is able to be sexually gratified.

I am not an insane rich person though, and instead still have to settle for simply watching their antics. Like, for example, these batshit Brits.

From The Telegraph:

The son of a British property tycoon whose death has caused a toxic family feud has rejected suggestions his father committed suicide due to sexual impotence, during an inquest at a Kenyan court.

Harry Roy Veevers, 64, from Rochdale, died from a reported heart attack at his beach home near the coastal town of Mombasa, where he owned three properties, on Valentine’s Day in 2013.

But his sons Richard, 39, a martial arts expert, and Phillip, 37, an army medic, accuse their half-sisters Helen, 29, an estate agent, and Alexandra, 26, of poisoning their father along with their mother Azra Parvin Din, Mr Veever’s partner of 32 years.

The women deny the allegation and claim it is an attempt by the sons to take Mr Veevers’ inheritance.

This story has everything, re: crazy rich people. Murder, inheritance, poison, fighting half-siblings — but let’s start with the best one, and that’s that one of the tycoon’s son’s jobs is listed as “martial arts expert,” which is a hilariously stereotypical trust fund kid job.

“Roundhouse kicks” is not an acceptable answer to, “What would you like to do with your considerable, nearly unlimited, resources and wealth, Richard?”

I have to imagine that guy’s life is a pretty popular locker room joke at his dad’s country club. Unconditional love is a double-edged sword. Just ask my parents.

The other brother is a badass, though. And also, Richard did at least have a profession listed, which is more than can be said for Alexandra, that lazy minx.

So where does the dad’s potential ED and sex life come into all of this? Right here.

Lawyer William Mogaka told an inquest in Mombasa that Mr Veevers had sought medical help for suicidal thoughts and presented medical records to court that stated a cause of his problems was erectile dysfunction.

Eldest son Richard called the suggestion of suicide “an insult”, saying: “How could a man who is 64 years old, who is six foot three, a multi-millionaire and sleeping with many women want to commit suicide? My father would never commit suicide. Did he have erectile dysfunction when he was on three or four women a day?”

I hope this was an outburst. As in, the lawyers were calmly doing their thing, talking to someone on the stand or what have you, then impotence came up and Richard, outraged and unable to listen to an insult as egregious as, “his dad didn’t fuck,” shot up and delivered the above brilliant rebuttal.

Also, it was the karate kid defending his dad’s dick. There’s like an 80% chance his army medic brother was sitting off to the side, with his hand over his eyes, mumbling, “Jesus Richard sit down and let the lawyers talk you twat,” while his brother continued, “My dad doesn’t fuck? YOUR dad doesn’t fuck. THIS WHOLE COURT’S DAD DOESN’T FUCK!”

This is kind of a layup Trump joke here, but I’m genuinely now wondering if this is how all absurdly rich real estate tycoons and their kids rationalize and speak. If Trump died under suspicious circumstances (hi NSA! pls don’t read this out of context!) that some were calling suicide, is there any doubt that Eric Trump would be on Hannity that night all like, “Just look at my dad’s wife. You know, my stepmom. My dad was hitting THAT. Look at all the top shelf muff in his life. He’s — he’s just not walking away from that,” as Hannity nodded and agreed, “Mhhmmm, mmhhmm, we’d all tap your stepmom’s ass if we could, and this is something the left is trying to make the country not believe. I agree.”

Sadly, the inquest into the death continues, with no conclusion as of yet about the death of Veevers, or his peen.

[via The Telegraph]

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