Apparently all this time I thought I was buying an iPhone to fit in with the cool kids, but I was really trying to slang this dick. According to NYU Professor Scott Galloway, that’s exactly what having an iPhone projects.
Your No. 1 instinct is survival and, once that box is checked and you think, ‘I’m going to make it through the day,’ your No. 2 instinct is procreation,” Galloway said. “The No. 1 signal of wealth, the No. 1 signal of power, the No. 1 signal of your likelihood of a random sexual encounter in a greater selection set among potential mates is the iPhone.”
First reaction: How dare this Freudian fuck try to tell me what my motives are. Maybe, shot in the dark here, I buy an iPhone to not be the loser with green messages. How am I supposed to emphasize my own hilarious message with an Android? And don’t even get me started on emojis…
Second reaction: I’ve had an iPhone for hella years now. Where are my random sexual encounters?
“This is the new signaling device, ‘I have good genes,’ just as having ad-supported Pandora radio or paying with a Discover card is like saying, ‘I have bad genes,’” he added. “An iPhone is saying to the opposite sex, or a potential mate, ‘I have good genes. You should mate with me.’”
Now we’re on the same page. Be clear, if you can’t pay a few bucks to keep ads off the air when you’re in charge of the aux, you suck. Furthermore, apparently, according to some science that I don’t really understand, your genes suck, as well.
So next time you’re at a party and the guy on the aux thinks Spotify ads are okay, pipe up and let him know. Let everybody know: He’s genetically inferior. iPhone for life..