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As I trudged through the TFM photo submissions, scrolling through picture after picture of people shotgunning beers in front of the Eiffel tower, as well as an unsettling number of mirror selfies taken by middle-eastern men in Tapout apparel with captions such as “I like you TFM sexy girl page how meet? ;)” I came across a blurry screenshot of an email. The screenshot, submitted by a gentleman named Natty_Duke, is titled “Bird Pledge.”
The email was sent by a member of the Office of Residence Life at James Madison University in Virginia, and appears to be a report notifying Natty_Duke that the university is fully aware of his debauched actions.
The report tells a gripping tale of two men and a loyal pledge in a bird costume, their drunken quest to return home, and the uptight university official who stood in their way.
The story of our heroes begins at the doorstep of an unsuspecting hall director named An.
HD An opened the door to find one sober male, later revealed to be JMU student Jeffrey [last name redacted], along with two intoxicated males. HD An tried to tell the males that they were at the wrong door, but once the HD realized that the two males were significantly intoxicated (bloodshot eyes, unsteady stance, slurring) HD An asked, “Are you drunk?” One of these males, later revealed to be Resident Eric [last name redacted] of [address redacted] replied “Yeah, I’m drunk,” and proceeded to fall forward.
Perfect response from Eric.
HD An said, “I’m the hall director, so I’m going to need to see some identification from everyone.” Upon hearing this, Jeffrey handed HD An his identification and the wallet of Eric. The unidentified male of college age, who was wearing a beanie, a black garbage bag and a white circle (assumedly dressed as a penguin) insisted that he didn’t have any identification other than a “My Panera” card and fled the scene.
Bird Pledge, out.
Jeffrey and HD An helped Resident Eric to a chair, where he put his head down and threw up into a plastic grocery bag he had been carrying. Jeffrey left the apt. HD An retrieved a trash can from the other room and, upon realizing that Eric had become somewhat unresponsive and was unable to tell the HD how much he had to drink or when his last drink was, the HD asked a guest of hers, Hoffman Resident Rain [name redacted] to call for an ambulance.
At this point, things are looking pretty shitty for Eric. The ambulance is on the way, which means the cops (as well as a hefty drinking ticket) are close behind. He needs someone to save him from the clutches of the hall director. He needs a hero. A savior. He needs … Bird Pledge.
A few minutes later, HD An heard the rustling of a garbage bag outside of Maple and …
What’s that sound? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s …
… Upon opening the door found the still unidentified male who was (assumedly) dressed as a penguin. The male made an attempt to hide. The HD An called out and insisted that the student come inside and wait with Eric. The male complied, but insisted that he only knew Eric’s first name and refused to give his own name. EMTs and JMU police officers arrived at approximately 11:45pm … The EMTs helped Eric onto a stretcher and took him to the ambulance.
There’s no explanation for why Bird Pledge returned to the scene other than to save his fraternity brother in distress. Even though the rescue mission came up short, Bird Pledge held his ground, refusing to give up the names of either himself or his brother.
Where is Bird Pledge now? I can’t be certain, but I like to think he’s roaming the streets of Harrisonburg, Virginia, watching over the college drunkards with nothing but a passion for justice, a bomb-ass penguin costume, and an all-access pass to great deals at any of the fine Panera Bread establishments in the immediate area..