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Hey White Dudes, Cut It Out With The Dreadlocks

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There is a serious problem tearing apart this country. A severe issue that threatens our very existence in the social fabric of the turbulent American melting pot. Our country is divided into furious factions, constantly debating this subject with angry passion while it swallows our souls. It’s a hot button topic, a gigantic, prodigiously polarizing issue and we need to settle this shit once and for all.

I am of course talking about white dudes with dreadlocks.

I have a theory that the quickest way to commit suicide is to inhale next to a white dude with dreadlocks. Look, I understand that It’s 2016 and everyone is a special little butterfly. We’ve all got our own special little quirks that make us unique in a sea of other entitled millennials. We’ve got wacky hairdos with fun bizarre colors, piercings, gauges, and tattoos. We’re all pansexual, gender fluid, non-binary, transracial poetic folk rappers that identify as rainbow ducks.

So with that in mind, I understand it’s insensitive to criticize how other young people present themselves in terms of their physical image. So perhaps I should proceed with a little bit of caution. But I’m going to take a moment to step away from these emotional and sociological preconceptions while I deliver this ridiculously important message.

Dear white dudes with dreadlocks,

Stop it. That’s all. Just… just stop.

The 5 most disgusting things in the entire universe are:

-Kale spinach smoothies
-Michael Phelps’ jaw
-Cosby Show reruns
-My articles
-White dudes with dreadlocks

When I passionately and wholeheartedly tell white dudes with dreadlocks that they’re gross, please understand that it’s not me trying to promote political correctness. A lot of internet social justice activists say that when white people have dreadlocks or cornrows, that it is cultural appropriation. Is it? I don’t know, maybe. But that’s not what I’m referring to right now. I’ll let other people debate about that all day long. White dudes with dreadlocks aren’t gross because they’re “politically incorrect”, they’re gross because they’re frickin’ gross.

For whatever reason, when black people have dreadlocks it looks cool. It just works; it doesn’t look weird. But when you’re a white guy with dreadlocks, you look like a walking, talking G.E.D. You look like you smell like disappointed parents. You give off a vibe as if you’re a giant bag of cheap dirt weed wearing a sloppily made human costume. You smell like an old glass jar filled with Woody Harrelson’s taco farts.

So keep that in mind before you decide to dread your hair, Chad. It’s unnatural and it looks like wet garbage and smells like even wetter garbage. You look and smell like a skunk that just overdosed on a speedball at a Limp Bizkit concert in an abandoned basement in Seattle. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t do this to us, don’t do this to your family. Now that this huge issue is finally finished, we can move on to more important matters, like the economy and national security.

So just remember: When it comes to the age old question “Should white dudes be allowed to have dreadlocks?,” there are 4 possible answers.

A. No.
B. Nope
C. Nah
D. All Of The Above

Image via YouTube

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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