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Now You Can See Almost All Of Hillary Clinton’s Emails Online, And Shit Gets Weird

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The majority of a politician’s emails should be readily available for public viewing under the Freedom of Information Act, yet we never get to feast our eyes on the juicy deets. The CIA is constantly dodging the FOIA by classifying the shit out of even the most mundane and tedious of government emails. But because of the constant delays plaguing the State Department — and because Hillary is notoriously sheisty about covering things up — a judge ruled that a large swath of her emails be unleashed on the public.

You can sift through all of the emails by sender and recipient on this handy page compiled by the Wall Street Journal. Some of the most revealing emails were promptly taken back down after the government determined that they were in fact classified. Luckily, people all over Reddit nabbed screenshots before they were erased for good.

Here are the biggest takeaways from the previously classified messages. A few of them are pretty damning.

1. Government work is just as boring and tedious as the average desk job.

You’d think the lives of our top government officials would be a constant stream of insane 24-esque “WE HAVE 10 SECONDS TO DEFUSE THE BOMB STUFFED IN THAT LADY’S VAGINA!” moments. But in reality, they’re typing out flowcharts to see who gets stuck sitting in the limo with Hillary.

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2. Hillary has no idea how to work a computer.

Hillary asks a staffer, “How do you put the big smileycom on your email?” The staffer responds with a pissed off emojii and a reminder that they’re 10 minutes behind schedule because of Hillary’s shit.

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3. The government and the media are in cahoots!

I’m sure you already knew that, but here is a specific instance. One of Hillary’s cronies talks about “planting” favorable interview questions in a 60 Minutes interview.

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3. It really is all about oil.

Again, something we all knew. But it’s wild to see the truth staring you in the face. Here, an email describes to Hillary the huge benefits for France if they attack Libya, including, “gold,” “oil,” and the chance to “reassert their position in the world.” Money and power, baby. Shortly thereafter, NATO, encouraged by Hillary, helped Libyan revolutionaries overthrow Gaddafi. I bet France’s president gave Hillary all kinds of favors for that one.

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4. Military contractors have borderline gay sex orgies (click the NSFW link below if you want).

I guess if you’re out in the desert surrounded by nothing but sand and big bald dudes for months at a time, then putting your mouth on one of said big bald dude’s assholes and pouring liquor down his back like a sweaty, hairy ice luge sounds like a hell of a time.

Image via Shutterstock

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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