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Hitler Was A Coke Fiend

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Taking over most of Europe, fighting a war on three fronts while thrusting deep into a Soviet winter, and being an all-around pretty bad hombre can really take it out of you. Being Hitler was a 365-day-a-year job and how the micro-dong packing, mustachioed fuhrer did it and still found time to be a better painter than Dubya was a mystery for three quarters of a century. I don’t think they had Adderall during the Third Reich, since ADHD wasn’t invented until 30 years later, yet the explanation given on behalf of the dictator’s seemingly bottomless supply of bad-guy juice seems so reasonable now.

He was hitting the slopes.

Aside from his kampf surrounding his minuscule man missile, Hitler was a fit dude, until he realized being an evil dictator wasn’t great for his health. He had his personal doctor (sounds like even 1930s German healthcare was superior to ours) start him on intravenous vitamins at first, but when ‘Dolf started missing briefings with his military advisers due to a high fever, his doctor pushed some “special vitamins” on his patient and Hitler felt much better.

From NPR:

Hitler, who had suffered from high fever, immediately felt well again and was able to go to the meeting and tell the generals how the war should continue, how the daily operations should continue. And he was really struck by this immediate recovery from this opiate, which was called Dolantin. From that moment on, he asked [Dr.] Morell to give him stronger stuff than just vitamins.

See? Hitler wasn’t so different than you or me. Half the guys in my chapter did their best Whitney Houston impression prior to most chapter meetings. We still accomplished nothing, but it led to some spirited, three-hour discussions on strategic keg placement and whether Top Gun was a better movie than Flashdance. I see the scene playing out as such. A sweaty Hitler sprints into the war room with a jingling pill bottle, a credit card, and a rolled-up Reichsmark and shouts to his generals: “You guys gotta try this stuff my doctor just gave me. It’s even better than the stuff Otto was getting on the dark web. Holy scheisse this has me feelin’ reich. I feel like I could conquer the world — or at least most of Western Europe.”

Right about that time, doctors started prescribing German soldiers crystal meth, and likened it to a “strong cup of coffee.” They found that soldiers, when all meth’d up, fought fearlessly, eschewed sleep, grew fond of above-ground pools and Bud Ice, and began keeping disabled vehicles in their front yards. The German Army was a New Orleans episode of Cops.

Hitler was a shit human being, and also apparently a coke head. It takes five alarms, four cups of coffee, and a cold shower just to motivate me not to call in sick three days a week. For history’s biggest villain, it took just a little bit of coke and some oxy to keep him raining blitzkrieg all over Europe. And I think this dispels the mystery of how President Donald Twitler can still president on two hours of sleep.

[via NPR]

Image via Shutterstock

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Kramer Smash

Unabashed Pitt alum with an affinity for brown girls and Manhattans. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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