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I love myself a good celebrity feud, not because I care about celebrities, but it reminds us that celebrities are people too and hate people just as much. Some of my favorite ones where the ones between Taylor Swift and Kanye at the VMAs, and Charlie Sheen and continued sobriety. Then there was that one day this past July I think Black Chyna and Rob Kardashian got at it on twitter and Instagram. The rift between Drake and Josh this past summer was emotionally draining for me, though. They made up, thank God, and all seems to be right with the universe once again.
Well, a new celebrity feud is blowing this time, and it’s literally the last one I’d expect. And that’s saying a lot.
It’s no secret that George Clooney isn’t a fan of former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon (or of President Donald Trump, for that matter). This weekend, while speaking to journalists at the Toronto International Film Festival, the actor let loose with his true feelings again.
Speaking to Vanity Fair’s Krista Smith, Clooney called Bannon “a schmuck who literally tried everything he could to sell scripts in Hollywood.”… “Steve Bannon is a failed fucking screenwriter, and if you’ve ever read [his] screenplay, it’s unbelievable.”
Well that’s an odd matchup if I’ve ever seen one. If anything, I was expecting Anthony Scaramucci and Richard Simmons, but Schmooches got the boot from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave before that could happen. Former White House strategist Steve Bannon against George Clooney? One’s a cultural icon widely believed to be the sexiest man in the world, and the other person is George Clooney.
In this case, I can’t take sides for either of them. At first I was wondering why the Cloones went all berserk, unprovoked on Bannon, until I read this:
Bannon famously wrote a screenplay for a rap musical update of Shakespeare’s “Coriolanus,” titled “The Thing I Am.”
Bannon, what kind of Neil Patrick Harris Broadway sensationalism is this? This Rosie O’Donnell doppelgänger was running around writing Shakespeare musicals like some sad rip-off of Linn Manuel Miranda (for all you uncultured swine, he’s the dude that wrote Hamilton)? And where was your logic that went from “well my little musical idea didn’t work out what should I do next? I know I’ll write about politics!” Clooney brought some fighting words with him, though.
The Oscar winner similarly noted that if Bannon, who is now back as executive chairman of Breitbart, were still in Hollywood, he’d be “licking my ass to get me to do one of his stupid-ass screenplays.”
Okay, now onto you George. First off, that insult sounds like something from the worst episode of Nick Cannon’s Wild’n Out. Second, who are you to judge someone’s success in Hollywood? Don’t get all higher than mighty just because you won a few Oscars. Sure you’re “A-List” and “one of the most popular actors of all time,” but we still remember that heap of garbage that was Batman and Robin.
There’s just no way you can come back from those bat suit nipples. George, I’ll meet you half way and say you weren’t the worst Batman ever, though. That distinction belongs to Ben Affleck. One of my friends said it best: George Clooney didn’t play Batman; he played George Clooney in a Batman suit. Ben Affleck as Batman reminds me of a divorced dad in New England who gets upset when he can’t get drunk at Boston Red Sox games. Affleck in a bat suit gives me some weird Manchester by the Sea vibes.
I do have a personal stake in this celebrity beef, though. Clooney hates Bannon and called him a “failed screenwriter.” By writing for this website, by some weird technicality, aren’t I somehow in that category of “failed screenwriter.” Is Clooney going to try to insult me and call me a “fake Italian” or something? My failed script is eerily similar to Bannon’s. He wrote a Shakespeare rap musical, and I wrote a biographical musical featuring the music of Kanye West.
You know what, I kind of want them to be mad at me. Bring me into your feud, gentlemen! Come at me, Clooney! Bring it on, Bannon! This is how I will go down in history: as the guy who was in a rare three-way celebrity feud. Either that, or for winning the Academy Award for Best Actor in Steve Bannon’s little movie, if it ever gets made..
Image via Shutterstock