92-year-old United States Navy 2nd Class Petty Officer Burke Waldron is a national treasure that we uncovered yesterday at the Mariners-Padres Memorial Day game.
Look at that limber son of a gun storm out of the dugout like he’s taking the beaches of Normandy. I just tweaked my hammy running a 40 yard dash at 25 and this dude is high-steppin’ right on top of my leg’s grave — almost 7 decades my elder. The zesty lefty takes the fucking rubber, too, gives the crowd a little wave, and drops a nasty 12-6 curveball. The showmanship. The pageantry. The athleticism. 92. Years. Old. If I ever live to be that age — I won’t — there’s a zero percent chance I’m anything but an immobile bag of bones that the nurses at an assisted living facility smother with a pillow to put out of my own pants-shitting misery. Meanwhile, Burke is just lighting up the radar gun. Has to be juicing, right? Wouldn’t be surprised if he got popped by the league with HGH in his Ensure shakes..