It’s tough to park your pink Plymouth in the garage of love with nosy parents and roommates with hyper-sensitive hearing listening for every bump and sigh emanating from your bedroom. Sometimes you have to take your show on the road, and I’m here to help you navigate the boulevards of Pound Town while you avoid arrest and potential injury.
You’ll need a car, obviously
It’s tough to bump uglies on the road without a car. Some girls might be okay with getting it on in your roommate’s Civic, but it’s much easier just to have a car you call your own. According to Driving-Test.org, the best car for the act is a Lincoln. If it’s good enough for McConaughey, it’s good enough for your homely looking ass.
I like bar parking lots. There’s usually not a ton of light, and convincing someone to come out to my car for a heater, a quick bump or something else that could seamlessly morph into a bone sesh isn’t too tough. Choose your spot with the understanding that being in a higher-populated area increases the risk of being seen, while choosing somewhere too remote could make your car look suspicious should someone see it. Good luck explaining that public indecency charge.
Fog the windows
You don’t want to jump in, dick first. Even if it’s hot out and you don’t have A/C, put the windows all the way up, talk for a few minutes, move slowly into the act, and give the glass a chance to fog over. This should offer you and your companion of the next five-to-ten minutes some reasonable cover.
Make sure the car is in park
Drop the car into accessory mode and make sure you’re parked with your e-brake on. A shift in position or a mistimed thrust of a knee or elbow could accidentally knock the car into gear. And even State Farm probably doesn’t cover claims of crashing while euphemistically parking the car.
Be mindful of the keys
If you’re drunk and the keys are in the car, you’re going down for DUI if a cop comes a-knocking. Throw the keys in the trunk. Few things in life suck worse than sitting in a drunk tank with blue balls.
Make good use of the aux cord
Car sex is a rare time when it’s not too cliché to play some tunes to get your motor running. A little background noise makes getting your oil changed even better, so pass the aux cord to her, or just dial up your favorite podcast by which to make love. Joe Rogan really gets the ladies going.
The front seat is the move
She should be prepared to do most of the work. Even in larger vehicles, it’s pretty damn tough for someone over 5’5″ to get some in the back seat. While you’re afforded a few more options, position-wise, the backseat’s quarters are a little more awkward. More importantly, if you’re seen, you’re caught. There’s no throwing her into the next seat, playing it off like you were just trying to Tide Pen away a stain on her blouse.
Coupes are ideal
Of the 1,000 respondents to Driving-Test’s survey, coupes tied atop the list of the best vehicles in which to take a belly ride, rating the styling a 3.4 our of 5. Two-doors have inherently more space and leg room in the front seat, and usually have sunroofs. Plus, sportier vehicles are just better aesthetic locations to grease the wheel.
Plan For The Aftermath
Car love-making tends to be spontaneous, but what happens after you’ve crashed the custard truck? Hopefully you have leather interior. You may have a mess on your hands, or on the seats or dashboard. Grab some napkins on your way to the parking lot.
You’ll get to wear the pride and shame all over your affect, so there’s no need to wear it all over your shirt, too..
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