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Today is your lucky day. Samantha Whateverthefuck has mustered up the balls to choose you as her date for her sorority’s upcoming function. While these functions may vary by location and theme, there are a few surefire moves you can make to ensure you don’t come out looking like Mel Gibson after a bender. Without further ado, here they are:
It isn’t a Fraternity event, so don’t treat it like one.
Simple fact of life: girls drink far less and put significantly less strain on their livers than you do during a night of drinking. That being said, during any sorority date function there is a level of relative sobriety expected of every guest. Notice I said “relative.” Nobody is saying you need to be able to recite every President of the United States in order, but being able to walk from one side of the room to the other is highly encouraged. Many sorority date functions go to exclusive locations such as concerts, theme parks, and professional sporting events. These are places where being rambunctiously drunk is a bad idea. Little Timmy’s father at the ballpark definitely won’t understand why you took his son’s ice cream cone and smashed it on his face, no matter how good the idea seemed to you.
Maintain Inter-Fraternal Relations
You may be one of those “I hate every other fraternity” guys, and I get that. House pride is great and all, and it’s totally normal to think yours is superior to others, but on date functions you are thrown into a ring of hostility. Regardless of your alcohol intake, it’s a good idea to either be cordial with your competitors or avoid them altogether. On the bright side, everyone is typically so wrapped up in trying to convince their date to do the no pants dance that expressions of male dominance are few and far between, but there are always exceptions. On the flip side, if someone is talking shit and needs to be reminded of his insignificance, then maybe a short “lesson” is permissible. Maybe you’ll get lucky and this expression of male dominance will get your date’s juices flowing. Who can really know?
Don’t Fuck in Public
This one may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, but it seems like with nearly every event I attend I find out that someone decided bumping uglies on the bus was a good idea. I’m sure it was all her fault, and her lethal combination of nymphomania and daddy issues makes it nearly impossible to say no, but for fuck’s sake try and have a little class. Last time I checked, there wasn’t a high demand for pornography starring you, and unwillingly subjecting a crowd to your testicular endeavors is just plain wrong. Find a bathroom if you literally can’t wait for the event to end to relieve yourself. If you have no choice, and you absolutely must sow your seed in the public eye, at least be a badass and do it on top of an administration building.
That’s it for now gents. I hope during future date functions you can heed my warnings and not be the dickhead that insists on making an ass of himself. If you slip up, it’s okay…you aren’t the first. I’ve committed every single “asshole” act listed above, and plenty more that aren’t.