A SORORITY HOUSE NEAR YOU—Okay, time to get real: I’ll never be a princess. Prince William has
officially announced his engagement to the extremely interesting and not-at-all boring Kate Middleton,
and my hopes for getting my hands on a tiara by my 25th birthday are now roughly equal to the chances
of Miley Cyrus staying out of rehab within the same time frame. Yes, I know there’s still his brother
Prince Harry to chase after, but he’s been running around with that blonde African chick for so long (‘But
if you’re from Africa, why are you white?’), he might as well just slip the bajillion-carat diamond onto her
overly-tanned finger already and call it a day.
But wait—all hope is not lost. Just because I’m not going to be an official princess doesn’t mean I can’t
still look, act, and generally be better than the majority of the people around me (and especially those
got-damn GDIs). If Ricky Martin taught us anything, it was that faking something for years on end can do
absolute wonders for a gal’s image. I have decided to become a SororityPrincess, and this is how I will do
First of all, a princess has gotta have the right hardware. What royal doesn’t have a pile of crown jewels
sparkling in her vault? Whether the ring originates from Princess Diana or David Yurman, just make sure
you get that skating rink on your finger. There are two ways to go about this: first, and most obviously,
you may use your feminine wiles to force a big, fat sparkler from your Frat Daddy. Christmas is on the
way, after all, so when your boy asks you what you want, simply pucker up your lips and remind him
that diamonds don’t have calories. It’s a win-win: you get the rock, and by giving you a gift that won’t
pack on the pounds (hello, Godiva Sampler), your Frat Daddy ensures that you will not resemble a rock.
If that method doesn’t work, and your Pi Kappa Alpha turns out to be a Pi Kappa Broke-a, there is always
the time-tested back-up plan of shamelessly begging your parents for money and gifts until they finally
break down and give in to your diva-like demands. I mean, all of our parents are, if not Sarah Palin
rich, then at least Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side rich, right? And if not, than who is supporting your
alcoholism at the bars every night?
Secondly, you must attain the perfect, princess-y attitude. Think sweet and polite, with just the slightest
hint of condescending bitchiness. For a fitting example, harken back to the Hills (which I really miss,
BTW. Where’s a bunch of staged Justin Bobby drama when I need it?) and picture Lo. Yeah, she seemed
nice enough, with her good manners and her perky demeanor, but there was a gleam in those blue eyes
that just told you she was laughing with Lauren about what a dumb bitch Audrina was every time the
camera turned away. If a sister from a rival sorority (or worse—a GDI) lowers her tacky, Juicy Couture-
wearing ass into the last empty seat in the library during finals week, simply give the bitch a polite-yet-
icy glare and then move on—save the trash-talking for when you get out of earshot. Princesses always
stay polite by keeping their vicious shit-talking strictly behind the backs of their targets. I mean, it’s not
like we actually want to hurt any feelings with our cruel, backstabbing antics, do we?
Of course, any princess list would be remiss if it didn’t mention wardrobe. Miss Middleton has been working a fairly clean, simple look ever since the announcement, with lots of whites and navy blues, but
that look only works on her because she is so boring. In your quest to become a SororityPrincess don‘t
be afraid to step your Louboutins outside the lines and hop over to the Pike house in a wild Pucci print
or head down to the Kappa Sig semi in your best Michael Kors belted cocktail. (Just be careful not to get
too wild; as we all know, princesses don’t do one-night stands. Just leave that to the slampieces.)
And of course, a prospective SororityPrincess must follow SororityGirlProblems on Twitter
(@SororityProblem) if she wants to be taken seriously by any eligible Frat Daddies out there. I hereby give you free reign to steal any of the (hopefully?) hilarious one-liners you may find on my feed and unleash them at any party or on any date of your choosing, because if the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to his wallet is by making him laugh.
Lastly, and most importantly, the most vital accessory on the path to becoming a SororityPrincess is
a healthy sheen of knock-‘em-dead confidence. The future Princess Kate isn’t all that gorgeous, but
you’d never know it by the serene, self-assured way in which she carries herself in all those infuriatingly-
perfect photos of her and her future groom. Blow your hair out, throw your shoulders back, and walk
into the nearest date function with your head held high with the knowledge that you’re the hottest
bitch in the room. Because even if you don’t have a royal crown, a glass of Crown Royal will make you
think you do.