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Picture the perfect slam in your head: the face of Jessica Alba, the tits of Kate Upton, and an ass that’s so round she can balance a glass of water on it while walking. She doesn’t ask annoying shit like “When are you buying me dinner?” or “Why don’t you ever text me before midnight?” She knows that her purpose in life is to basically be a living version of a blowup doll, because her IQ is lower than her age. She does everything on demand, including the time you jokingly asked her to drink bong water because she’s emotionally retarded and can’t recognize sarcasm from soup. She is the perfect booty call, completely willing to come over at a moment’s notice and leave immediately after for reasons no better than “Go away.” There’s only one thing wrong…
Her blowjobs feel like you’re being fellated by a cactus filled with tree bark.
Just picture getting head to the Titanic soundtrack while squirting her in the face with water.
It’s a travesty! It’s an abomination! How is this even possible? How can someone so useless at everything in life, minus their physical appearance, be so terrible at the ONE THING they were put on this earth to do? A tragedy like this is one of the reasons atheists exist, because if God existed, he would’ve popped open a cold one, put on a bow tie, and made sure this girl came out right instead of just becoming the epitome of wasted potential. Afterwards, he would’ve fist-bumped Jesus and then hazed the shit out of Moses for getting lost in the desert for 40 years — the fuckin’ scrub.
If this whole scenario has made you sad and suicidal, minus the image of God wearing a bow tie and making Moses do elephant walks in a circle by himself while blindfolded, don’t worry, there’s good news coming! I’m here to tell you how to turn this waste of space into a…cabinet? Something that uses space really well? No one gives a shit about metaphors, so I’ll just continue with being an ass.
Many girls like to think that they give grade A choice premium blowjobs. Many girls also think that reading the sex tips in Cosmopolitan are good ideas. This one, for example, is not a good idea: “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other like you’re volleying a tennis ball, and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.” Thanks, Cosmo. Both are clearly stupid and need to be corrected or else this entire country is going to shit.
So, this is what you need to do…
Since women can’t think for themselves apart from deciding to wear pink on Wednesdays, you need to give this girl direction. When she’s about to stick your wang in her cactus, grab her head. Grab it forcefully. Don’t worry if you pull her hair when you do it, because in the end your goal is to increase her worth to men, so in reality you’re really just doing her a favor. Tilt her head so she’s looking at you, make eye contact and say something insulting, like the following:
“I would rather walk around with a buttplug made of knitting needles than have you blow me again.”
Think of her as a pledge. You need to emotionally abuse her to the point where she is a nonexistent shell of what she once was (which wasn’t anything to brag about in the first place), and then build her up into what you want her to be. She might be offended and try to leave, but luckily for her and her self-worth, you went ahead and had your friends barricade your door from the outside so no one could escape. She might act pissy, hit you, or spike a game controller. And I think it goes without saying to make sure there aren’t any sharp objects in your room, but it’s really just an act that says, “Teach me how to better pleasure you, my Lord.”
…if she tries to escape just keep following her around your room without pants on.
Once she’s calmed down, wiggle your dick in her face. Bitches love that shit, just make sure you haven’t bathed down there in a few days so the true scent of man smothers her nostrils to the point where she can’t smell anything else. That way she knows who the alpha male is in this situation. Slowly thrust back and forth so that your dick hits her in the nose a couple times, and eventually she’ll give in and want to try to blow you again. I’m pretty sure the same strategy is used with getting parakeets to sit on your finger, so just like with that, if she tries to escape just keep following her around your room without pants on.
Now, for the next part I want to recommend knocking all her teeth out so that there’s no physically possible way she can scrape skin off your dick when blowing you, but no one wants the slam who has to wear dentures. Granny blowjobs? NF. Instead, I recommend having a squirt bottle full of water handy so that whenever her front two teeth chafe your tip, you can just spray water in her face. This way she not only gets a free shower, but she’s also learning what not to do in a non-violent, non-demeaning way. If you filled the bottle full of Napalm, that’s a slightly different story. Continue this method for as long as it takes for it to not be painfully bad, but make sure to keep your boner up because even the thought of spraying water in someone’s face repeatedly makes me chuckle, which probably will mean you’ll lose your woody…unless you’re into that shit.
If rhythm is an issue, keep the squirt bottle in hand because you’ll still need it, but we’re adding in some music this time. You know how you’re supposed to give CPR to the beat of “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees? You can do the same with blowjobs, but personally I like to keep it between 50 and 60 beats per minute. I can’t tell you what’s best for you since I obviously don’t fuckin’ KNOW you, but for reference, 60 BPM would be playing “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly, and 50 would be “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion. Just picture that. Just picture getting head to the Titanic soundtrack while squirting her in the face with water. If that’s not romantic, then I clearly fucked up Valentine’s Day last year…or did I?
Once she starts suckin’ smooth and clean like a Hoover, you can let her out of your room, but only when she’s a pro. If you let her out too early, she might realize you essentially kept her locked up as a blowjob slave and will never talk to you again, but if you wait long enough until she’s a cock suckin’ champion, she’ll appreciate all the hard work and effort you put into mentoring her in the ways of the dick.
Disclaimer: Keep in mind that if this doesn’t work (which it obviously WILL because this was a completely serious column with 0 hints of sarcasm anywhere), then either you didn’t squirt her with the bottle hard enough, or you didn’t break her down mentally enough. It’s okay, though — not everyone’s fit to be the pledge master of blowjobs.