Tinder is a weird place…that I can’t help but love. The thrill of getting that new match notification is way more satisfying than getting hit on by some grungy dude at a bar, and I just can’t keep myself from indulging in hour-long swipe-fests. It’s like crack, but with an added ego boost. After hours
spent wasted on this damn app, I’ve learned two things: 1) my thumbs move way faster than my brain thinks, and 2) guys seriously have no idea what girls want.
Before you leave a comment, yes, I know (sane) people aren’t looking for their soulmates on Tinder. I’m pretty sure the majority of the guys are there to troll, and girls mainly just make an account for the compliments. However, Tinder is the closest thing we straight people have to Grindr (don’t pretend you don’t know what that is), so in times of disparity, it is important that you know how to present your profile. Listen up.
- Under no circumstances should you ever, ever use a selfie.
- Especially of the mirror variety.
- Start the conversation. Seriously, say anything.
- A simple “What’s up?” will probably do the trick.
- Even use some corny jokes and pickup lines. Chicks dig it.
- We know you use puppy pictures as bait. We don’t entirely hate it.
- Same goes for babies.
- I have verified this with many females, and none of us are turned on by the photo of you holding that dead, bloody deer you just murdered.
- Unless you like lady dippers, in which case, you two can probably share a spit cup. Romance.
- Write something in your bio section. The little shit emoji with eyes is better than a blank space.
- On the other hand, there’s no need to write a novel, Shakespeare.
- Be honest with your slutty hookup intentions.
- She may have slutty hookup intentions, too. <3
- #Fitness is a #no.
- You are not a car. Why is your photo a car?
- Let’s live in the present. We can all see past that photo of your high school football bod.
- You have a dad bod. Embrace the dad bod. Love the dad bod.
- Don’t throw your number out too quickly. It won’t be reciprocated.
Make sure all of your pictures consist entirely of cute pictures of you and your ex.
- We love alcohol. We do not love alcoholics. Chill out on the blackout pictures.