How To Handle Two Slams In One Place

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Since everyone that reads TFM is obviously a master of picking up chicks (looking at you Ruger_Dern), it isn’t a far-fetched idea that there may finally come the day when you’re at the bar and, oh shit, two of your slams are there. At the same time as you. What are you gonna do? Slam A has a bit of a busted face but no self-respect whatsoever, as in you can literally pee in her butt and then she’ll drink it afterwards (she’s a contortionist, you lucky bastard). On the other hand, Slam B has a Kate Upton-esque body but also some unearned shred of dignity that makes her bitch at you to walk her home afterwards. Shit, you’ve got important stuff to do, like…actually, nothing really, but you’re going to make something up about how you have a huge Chemistry exam the next day despite the fact that you’re a Government major and tomorrow is Sunday. She, of course, believes you because she’s dumber than dog shit and you take pride in your ability to find the only girls that actually think Washington DC is located in the state of Washington within a half mile radius of yourself. That’s a useful skill. Take pride in your Jedi-like prowess.

As usual, I somewhat digress. The first thing you need to do is decide whether you want to take Slam A, B, or some other random piece of fraterniture home with you. This is actually a silly question because there’s no reason to pick option fraterniture since it requires you to put some effort into wooing her, whereas Slams A and B just require two to three minutes of conversation TOPS at the end of the night, and maybe a cranberry vodka since Slam B sounds like she’s high maintenance (those tits are worth a $2.50 rail you cheap fuck, so stop whining). As long as option F is ruled out, it’s irrelevant whether you choose A or B.

Slam B has a Kate Upton-esque body but also some unearned shred of dignity that makes her bitch at you to walk her home afterwards.

Now, the first thing you do is not talk to either of them, and I mean don’t even make eye contact. You are a MAN. If a woman wants to look you in the face, she sure as shit better have a sandwich in one hand to offer you immediately afterwards, and if it doesn’t have bacon on it, then you’re allowed to whip your elephant cock out and knock her unconscious with it. I checked the Constitution; it’s legal. Assuming that A and B have had their fair share of dick-imposed concussions, when one approaches your godlike-self with her sacrificial sandwich, then you can talk to her. The point here is that as long as A and B don’t know you’re sticking your beef thermometer through both of their roast beef curtains, it looks like she’s approaching you when she walks up to you, which she technically is, but the point is that you weren’t the one to go up to her. It’s stupid girl logic. If you approach Slam A, then Slam B is going to think that you’re into A and not her, and she’ll get pissy about the fact that you said “Sup” to some random girl (they don’t know each other, remember?) instead of her first, and vice versa. However, if you’ve successfully not made eye contact with either of them and one comes up, the other girl can tell herself that you don’t know she’s here, and you didn’t even approach the first girl, making everything hunky-fuckin-dory so far.

Once one of them has broken the ice, it’s mostly smooth sailing from there. After the second girl sees the first girl leave (if she clings to you like a girlfriend, you have poor choice in slams and embarrass men everywhere – no bid), she’ll come up and say, “HIHIHI omg how ARE youuuu,” or something over-the-top and unnecessary. Again, it’s stupid girl logic, along the lines of “Omg he still hasn’t seen me and he seemed to kinda like that other girl, what a bitch she’s probably the sort of slut that lets people piss in her butt, I better mark my territory.” The only thing from here on out that would fuck this up for you is if one of them stuck like glue to you, deterring and pissing off the other one, or if you acted TOO excited to see one over the other. A lot of girls are catty and overly analytical when it comes to men, so even something like SMILING too much might piss one off. You’ve made contact with both, go pound shots like you were born to do and ignore both of them, except for the occasional eye contact here and there to let them know you’re still aware of their presence.

If the other slam texts you and you’re already balls deep in the first one, don’t reply until tomorrow afternoon.

As for closing, you have multiple options. You can be risky and actually leave with one, but then the other one might see you. If you’re a ninja, go for it. But on the 100% chance you aren’t, don’t do that. Remember wayyy back in paragraph two where I said you need to decide which one you want to take home in the first place? Well, you needed to start texting her about meeting you at your place, like 30 minutes ago. If she wants to leave with you, that should require another three sandwiches minimum since the second slam could see you. A better plan would be to say, “I’m at (insert drunk food place) right now, meet me outside,” so that you won’t be seen walking with her towards your Loveshack. If the other slam texts you and you’re already balls deep in the first one, don’t reply until tomorrow afternoon. This text should be along the lines of talking about how you were sooooo drunk last night and just woke up. Obviously since you’re classy, you should be sending this while whichever slam you brought home is having breakfast in bed, meaning she’s going to town on your breakfast sausage.


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Becca_Martie (@becca_martie) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move.

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