There’s nothing better than a brand new relationship. The honeymoon phase is a wonderful thing. You can’t stand to be away from each other. You’re boning each other’s brains out 24/7, and life is just a big fun basket of cupcakes and silly giggles.
But there’s one gigantic worry lingering in the back of your skull. A pulverizing fear that you bury deep down in your psyche with delusional hopes that you’ll never have to face it. One day, you might have to fart in front of your girlfriend. You disgusting douchebiscuit. Flatulence in relationships is a very complicated issue. There are so many layers to this dilemma. Where shall we begin?
Farting too soon into a relationship is an automatic deal-breaker. Statistically, it’s one of the biggest cause of breakups, right behind the girl cheating on the guy with Russell Brand. So, how you do know when it is the RIGHT time to finally let out a fart in front of your partner?
Well, there are a few conditions. Have you guys had sex yet? If so, that’s a step in the right direction. If you fart in front of her and she’s grossed out, the jokes on her because she already fucked your disgusting ass. It’s too late. She can’t unfuck you. That type of technology has not yet been perfected. You win. Fart away.
Have you guys said “I love you” yet? If so, that’s an even larger step in the right direction. If she doesn’t love you yet, she won’t tolerate your sickening smelly cocktail of peanut butter and ramen farts. But if she loves you, she might (just MIGHT) forgive you after you cut the cheese while you guys watch The Notebook for the 14th time on her couch.
If you haven’t yet met those mandatory requirements, do not fart in front of your vaginal counterpart. I repeat, DO NOT DO IT. But, like most human beings, you may have to fart in the future, and during one of these times, you may be in the same area as your lady. What should you do???
Here are some tips for holding in that fart.
1. TIGHLY CLENCH YOUR BUTTCHEEKS
This is the most commonly used tactic, and rightfully so, as it usually tends to be pretty successful. Pretend there’s coal in your asshole and you need to put tons of pressure on it and turn it into a diamond. Hold that fart hostage in your rectum and do not let it escape no matter how many times it tries to. I don’t care if you have to tense up so much that your whole face turns red and steam starts shooting out of your ears. Keep that fart in, you gross dickbag.
2. ADJUST YOUR POSITION
If you’re sitting down, slightly move a part of your body. Readjust your physical stature, maybe cross your legs or lean more. If you need to, sit criss-cross applesauce style and maybe even start meditating. If you get even more desperate, start breakdancing, changing your body’s position in a constant and pretty fly fashion. Lay some cardboard down and blast some ’90s hip-hop from a boombox if need be.
But, if that fart is being stubborn and it’s becoming impossible to hold it in, here is the proper way to release it. You have two options.
1. LEAVE THE ROOM
Come up with a good excuse to leave the room. Say you’re getting a phone call from the President and it’s urgent. Pretend that you just remembered that your pet hamster is on fire, and you need to go home and save Chaz immediately. Also, why the fuck did you name your hamster Chaz? If those excuses don’t float your boat, just say that you have tickets to a Kid Rock concert tonight and you should probably start driving to it. (Warning: She may dump you for liking Kid Rock, though.)
2. MAKE NOISE DURING THE FART
If the fart comes out, make noise during it to cover up the noise of the fart. You have a lot of options. You can pretend to cough. You can pretend to sneeze. You can start reciting monologues from Shakespeare plays. Personally, whenever I fart in front of my girlfriend I like to scream “OJ DID IT!” She doesn’t even notice the fart. She just thinks I’m really passionate about the OJ Simpson trial even though it was 20 years ago and he’s in jail now anyway.
If the fart is extra smelly, just blame her dog. If she doesn’t have a dog, blame her cat. If she doesn’t have a cat, blame her. So those are your options for not letting flatulence sodomize your love life.
I know what you’re thinking: “Wally, you singlehandedly saved my relationship! Thank you so much! You’re my hero!” Well, you’re welcome. And yes, I’m my hero, too..
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