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How To Protect Your Fraternity From Starting A National Outrage

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Some of you kids just don’t get it. Here at TFM Headquarters, we see the same things every single day. This house was thrown off campus for offensive Facebook posts. Another house is under the gun for a moronic tirade by a drunk brother in public. Alpha Delta Whatever has been banished from the plane of mortal existence by God himself for their 37th hazing allegation.

As fraternity members, all we really want to do is make some friends, drink some beers, possibly get our genitals touched, and call it a day. With the media witch hunt surrounding Greek life these days, this mission has never been more difficult. We’re here to help.

We’ve put together a few simple Risk Management tactics to ensure that your house isn’t the guest star for the next “42 Reasons Fraternities Are Literally Worse Than Hitler” article on the Buzzfeed front page. Ignore these at your own risk. Just don’t blame us when a horde of overnourished Jezebel feminists knock down your front door demanding equality and/or your quick and painless deaths.

Collect Brothers’ Cell Phones

At this point, this should be a given. You collect pledges’ phones before an event, so why not extend the lockout to active brothers as well? You might get some backlash (who doesn’t love getting a few right swipes in while an 18-year-old is getting his soul eaten by the pledgemaster), but all it takes is one asshole with a little too much whiskey in his liver before your private event is accidentally broadcast to the world. Don’t risk it. Drunk idiots plus social media equals national outrage.

Hide (Or Delete) Your Facebook Group

Face it. If any shred of your private Facebook group went public, you would be absolutely and violently fucked in every orifice. By now, your Facebook group openly documents years of drug deals, assholish banter, and friendly (consensual) porn-sharing that could lead to any house’s demise when taken out of context. One simple fix is to change the name of your group to something a little more innocent. Somebody snooping on your Facebook account is way less likely to click a group called “Linguistics 3005 Discussion” rather than one titled  “Kappa Alpha Porn Sharing Megaplex.” The best move, however, is to just delete your Facebook group entirely. As entertaining as they can be, it just isn’t worth the risk.

Watch Out For Fake Facebook Profiles

The most common Frat-busting tactic performed by IFC and local police departments is also one of the least recognized. I’ll put this one simply: DO NOT ADD FACEBOOK FRIENDS YOU DON’T KNOW. I don’t care how hot the girl who just requested you is — chances are she is a fictional human being and the account is run by a 42-year-old police officer who has sexual fantasies involving Frat Row going up in flames. The second you accept that friend request, every status, party, and borderline offensive costume you’ve ever put together will be fair game for the higher powers to destroy. Don’t risk it for a few hot pics. Just follow @TFMGirls instead.

Don’t Allow Drunk Brothers Outside

It’s sad that this has to be a rule, but this is the world we live in. We meet hundreds of guys during Rush, and weed out what we think are the best examples of our chapter’s values, but all too often a dickwad slips through the cracks. Sometimes all it takes is a little too much booze for the douchebag within to slip out. That’s why drunk brothers on your front porch are always a bad idea. You never know if that innocent quiet Pre-Law kid has a furious racist tirade boiling inside his soul just waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting pedestrian passing by your house. It’s a shame that the actions of one now represent the actions of your entire organization, but at this point it just can’t be avoided. Which brings me to the next crucial point…

Kick Out Racists

Fraternities are not what they used to be, and this is a fact that we should be proud of, despite the media’s best attempts to tarnish what we stand for. We are exclusive groups with strict admission criteria, but race just isn’t a factor. That quiet pre-law kid who drops N-bombs like he’s on air patrol in Syria? Kick him the fuck out. There is no place for racism in Greek life today. If you disagree, then your best bet is to find a time machine and pledge in 1954 so you can have your own precious water fountain, you worthless scumbag sack of shit.

Get Affirmative Consent

It’s one of the strangest things to crop up in this modern PC movement, but as a fraternity, it is also now one of the most necessary. It might be awkward to say “Hey, do you consent to sexual relations?” in the heat of the moment as bra straps and thongs fly across the room, but the worst case scenarios are more than enough reason to be cautious. Rape is real. False rape accusations are real. I am in no position to state how frequently either event occurs, but the fact that both exist is reason enough to get affirmative consent with every single sexual encounter. If she has lost the ability to properly pronounce the word “yes,” help her get home safely and happily jerk off knowing that your life has not been ruined by an easily avoidable mistake.

Don’t Be (Too) Dumb

It all comes down to this. When a bunch of 18 to 22-year-olds gather under one roof, dumb shit is truly inevitable. The key here is to limit said dumb shit and funnel it into the less harmful outlets. Starting a turf war with your rival fraternity? Bad dumb idea. Seeing how many times you can punch a brother in the balls before he snaps? Great dumb idea. Jumping off the roof? Bad dumb idea. Renting a bounce house so you can jump off the roof and limit your risk of injury? Still bad/dumb, but we’re getting closer.

See the difference?

I firmly stand behind every fraternities’ right to do dumb shit without judgement. That’s part of what makes Greek life so great. We make mistakes. We miss classes. We fuck up by getting fucked up. That is part of the essence that makes fraternity life the beautiful bastard that it is. All it takes is taking a few things too far before this blessed gift you have been given in your college years to be taken away, along with any chance of future employment.

Be dumb, but be smart about it.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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